Coercive Control

The terms abuse, coercive control, controlling behavior, and violence are often used interchangeably. I like coercive control because it better defines what happens in intimate partner abuse relationships.

Evan Stark defined it in his book, Coercive Control:

Coercive control is a strategic course of conduct designed to retain privilege and establish domination in personal life based on fear, dependence, and the deprivation of basic rights and liberties.  

This definition includes physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. All coercive behaviors are motivated by the desire to control another person.

If you believe you or another person is in a controlling relationship, you might find it helpful to look over the Coercive Control Checklist.

For those affected by controlling partners, it is very important to know that you are not alone. This is an epidemic in our society. There are helpful resources in most communities. Contact your local or statewide organization to find them. I have included some contact information on my Resource page for Dane County, Wisconsin, as well as some national organizations.

Common effects of experiencing controlling behavior include:

  • confusion over what has happened and why
  • battered self-esteem
  • grief
  • loss of trust in self
  • difficulties setting healthy boundaries
  • flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive memories
  • anger
  • uncertainty over what to do next

Specialized Therapy for Survivors and Those Who Use Abuse

Counseling that is specific to the effects of controlling behavior can be very helpful. Contact your local domestic violence program for suggestions on trauma-informed therapists who are knowledgeable about intimate partner abuse.

For those who recognize characteristics of controlling behavior in themselves, there are psychotherapists that compassionately help you to change how you’ve learned to be in relationships. I believe that people learn to be controlling and abusive, that nothing justifies abusive behavior, and that everyone who chooses to hold themselves accountable can make changes.

Both survivors and abusers benefit from investing in themselves and choosing to end the cycle of abuse in their families. Contact your local domestic abuse program for specialized therapy programs.

Insight comes slowly like the
careful stringing of pearls.
A jewel, a knot, another jewel,
another knot.
It’s an insanely difficult act
to make a necklace
in the midst of tempest,
to sit quietly with trembling fingers,
while the well water spills
from the sides of your eyes.
But with insight comes healing,
the return of laugher,
the possibility of joy.

–Doris Schwerin, American writer