For those who come to me for couples therapy, one thing I have them do is make a list of ten things that their partners could do that would make them feel cared about.  The list can have things that cost money that shouldn’t be dominant. After making sure they are positive  and specific (forget the “don’t do’s), I have them exchange the lists and start doing at least one of them a day.

What makes us feel cared about is highly individual. What you like to receive might not do it for me. However, some things are fairly universal -

• Saying “I love you”
• Giving hugs and kisses
• Remembering special days
• Asking about your day -

just to name a few. Giving a massage might be on my list but not on yours!

Some people are more comfortable than others with verbal expressions of caring. Sometimes, they are stronger on actions that show they care. It’s important to be accepting of people’s differences and not try to make them over. However, it is always important to show caring with both verbal and behavioral expressions. There is something about hearing it that we humans all need! And I’m sure everyone has known people who verbally express it but their behavior shows inconsideration or even abuse.

Loving someone means that their happiness is important to you. Encouraging what makes them happy will ultimately make you happy too! The synergy that develops between two people who actively express their love is magnificent!

So why do couples lose this? Negativity, lack of tolerance and acceptance, criticism, and resentment can all diminish the willingness to express caring, leading to less and less good will. The emotional bank account dwindles over time.

Couples can also take one another for granted. They may assume they don’t have to show they care after being married or committed for some time.  Examples are:

• “He knows I care”,
•  ”She shouldn’t need me to show it”
• “I bring home the bacon; isn’t that enough?”

People may not have seen it modeled in their families. Just remember, there is A LOT we do that our families of origin never did – we have new knowledge, new inventions, new medical advances. So be open to learning more about what will keep your relationship healthy and growing! A wise person once said to me “if you’re relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.” There is a lot of truth to that!

It is normal and human to think your way is best and why doesn’t the rest of the world see it? We each have our own unique lens that we see the world through. However, we benefit when we can be flexible and value how others see things as well.

Many times when people are rigid in having to be right, it is rooted in how punished they were for being “wrong” (e.g. making mistakes) when they were young.

Our perspective shifts when we can acknowledge that we all see the world differently and that isn’t a bad thing. Opening to curiosity about how others see things goes hand in hand with building tolerance. This encourages seeing life as a learning opportunity, and takes the emphasis off having to know everything. When you think about it, having to “be right” is a tremendous pressure.

Compromise entails a willingness to give and receive. When giving and receiving is done mutually, we can let go of what we want sometimes without resentment or feeling taken advantage of. We know that it’s in our best interests for our partners to be happy, so we’re happy too. However, if one person is always the giver, this gums up the relationship gears.

Next: Expressions of Love

These qualities go hand in hand in building a strong relationship. We are all attracted to people who have qualities we like. In the initial stages of a relationship, it may seem as if the loved one can do no wrong. As the relationship matures, the next stage involves seeing how we’re different and those things that we don’t like. This is where the real growing begins!

Since we aren’t clones, we have to expect that we won’t always agree on everything. In order to have a harmonious relationship we need to respect the feelings, needs, and opinions of our partners as if they were our own.

That doesn’t mean we adopt them as our own, but we communicate what we want in ways that also respect our partners rights. In other words, we treat them with the same degree of respect that we have for ourselves. From that stance, we can negotiate and try to find a win/win position. Often there are ways in which both can get something of value to them.

Intolerance

Many relationship difficulties grow out of patterns that are learned in our families as children. When people grow up hearing a lot of criticism,  that gets taken into adulthood. We are mammals so we bond with what is there, but we can  do so in many ways.

A few common ones:

• We may act like the critical people from our families. This usually means we have fairly rigid expectations for how people should be.
• We may decide to be the opposite of what we received. If we have other healthier models to go by, we could be wonderfully accepting and tolerant. If we don’t, we may become “door mats” and be accepting of inappropriate behavior by others.
• We may respond to criticism the same way we did as children – either submitting to it or rebelling against it.
• We may treat ourselves very critically.

And of course, we may do any combination of these things.

The good news is that humans can learn new ways of being when they aren’t happy with something. With enough motivation and work, we can become more accepting and tolerant of others.

Next: Compromise and Willingness to Let Go

Having healthy relationships doesn’t mean there is never conflict. Conflict is normal. No two people will always agree; in fact our differences are often what attract us to others. Managing disagreements constructively is an important skill.

The following characterisitics are important to harmony and happiness in any relationship:

• Acceptance and tolerance of differences
• Openness to negotiation and compromise
• Willingness to let go
• Ability to trust
• Honesty 
• Personal responsibility for expressing wants and needs
  
• Respectful limit setting
• Humor and taking things lightly
  
• Positive expressions of caring
  
• Knowledge of partner’s history and personality – who the person is
  
• Sense of “we-ness” as a couple – common vision of the future
  

Relationships are wonderful teachers in our lives. We are drawn to those people who help us to grow, whether they are long term commitments or brief encounters. A wise person once said to me:

“If your relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.” I believe that.

Sometimes relationship therapy is helpful in working on growth in some or all of these areas. Future posts will go into more depth with each of these qualities.

It occurred to me that we are just like the birds when we are beginning to do something new.  We don’t “fly” as precisely and have as much confidence when we are first learning something. It takes a lot of practice before something feels smooth and second nature.  We shouldn’t judge ourselves by others who have had more practice.  It comes more easily the more we do something.

I’ve found that people who have not gotten encouragement as children often are very judgmental of themselves as adults. When they are learning a new skill, often they expect themselves to be good at it right away. They may have gotten messages that encouraged them to think that if they aren’t perfect at something, it isn’t good enough. Since there really is no such thing as perfection, this is a set up for feeling lousy.

Our bird friends would be greatly hampered if they had to stay on their branches when they couldn’t fly perfectly right away. Let’s take a lesson from nature and be gentle with ourselves. What counts is the process – the growth we experience every day!

At times emotions can seem so strong that they feel as if they will overwhelm your ability to cope with them.  Remember that emotions are not good or bad, simply clues to pay attention to in order to further our growth. They are proof that we are alive!

However, in order to learn from our emotions, we may need to manage our experience of them. If you are having trouble with this, here are some ways to ground yourself so that you can use the emotions in self-enhancing ways. Grounding your emotions through nature can be very helpful.  Take some time to walk or sit in nature if you can.

When this isn’t practical, here are three possibilities:

1. See yourself taking a walk in some natural surrounding, sitting in your yard or in a park, or leaning against a tree.  Imagine that cords or roots are growing from your feet down into the earth, connecting you with its nurturing elements and energy that gives life to all things.  Feel these roots anchoring you in the earth.  Imagine that the intense emotion is flowing out from your body through these roots into the earth.  Know that this release serves you by reducing the intensity of the emotion but does not disconnect you or hide it from you in any way.  Also know that the earth is nurtured by this exchange, creating the conditions for growth and renewal in the earth.  Now imagine that you are absorbing through your roots the nurturing elements of our earth mother, creating the conditions for growth and renewal in you.  Feel the rich energy from deep within the earth, from the rocks, soils, and springs being drawn into your body and your soul, feeding your spirit.  Feel this mutual connection with earth, this interdependence and nurturance. Notice what you feel and journal about it.

2. If you like to garden and it’s a good season for it, work with your hands in the garden by pulling weeks, fertilizing, planting, mulching, or just feeling the soil with your fingers for the sheer physicality and joy of it.  Image that your hands are a conduit linking you to Earth.  Imagine the strong emotions flowing into the earth through your hands and the richness of the earth’s soil and elements flowing into your body.  This creates a balance in you emotionally.  Dwell in this balanced place and breathe.

3. Stand or sit in nature and breathe.  Imagine that your emotions are like the carbon dioxide that you breathe out which so enriches and nurtures the plants.  Imagine when you breathe in, you breathe the oxygen the plants manufacture and take in other aspects of the earth that ground and nurture you.  Imagine also that any strong emotions you feel are breathed out and recycled into something useful for the earth, just as the carbon dioxide we breathe out gives plants what they need to live.  Feel yourself balancing and releasing some of the intensity of your emotions.  Notice yourself connecting you to a place of clarity.

I use the following definitions:

•  Assertive behavior is any behavior in which you stand up for your self – through expressing feelings, thoughts, opinions, or actions – while also respecting the rights and feelings of others.

•  Passive or non-assertive behavior is any behavior in which you do not stand up for your self, and do not reveal your feelings, thoughts, or opinions, but defer to others when it is not in your best interests.

•  Aggressive behavior is any behavior in which you stand up for your self without respecting the rights of others – expressing your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and actions in ways which intentionally hurt or control others emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually.

Differential socialization of men and women has led to assertive behavior sometimes being perceived differently in them.  We may expect assertiveness from men but then judge women negatively when they display the same behavior. If you know what assertiveness is and isn’t, it can help you in evaluating whether others’ judgments of you are accurate.

You can choose not to assert your self without that necessarily meaning that you are not an assertive person.  Possible reasons can be that you fear for your safety (when dealing with an aggressive person), that you deem it not in your best interests (with your boss), or you don’t care one way or another.

For those in difficult relationships, I encourage evaluating a situation to know what the risk of assertiveness is.  Particularly in situations where there has been abuse of any kind, it is important to assess the safety before choosing to be assertive.

•  Breaking promises,
• Refusing to commit to a person, project, idea, or date
• Putting off the next level of a relationship indefinitely
•  Forgetting meetings or dates (routinely, not occasionally)
•  Not listening to you or not recalling important information you’ve told them

When people do this a lot, it’s as if they are “keeping their options open”. It is frustrating to be in a relationship with someone like this. It may indicate a deep sense of ambivalence about getting close to anyone. It could also indicate narcissism, meaning the person has difficulty being empathic to or even recognizing others’ needs.

Having mutuality in the relationship – with your needs being as important as the other person’s – is the key thing to notice. People who have attention problems (such as ADD) or some type of brain injury may forget things a lot but that isn’t about commitment or interest.

You have the possibility of being more objective because you are not emotionally involved. You don’t have a stake in the relationship continuing or not continuing. If you find that you do, then it’s time to stop and examine why you have an agenda. Many family members and friends become understandably afraid for people they care about, and this can lead them to being more directive than is helpful.

Giving respect means not imposing your values or opinions of what should happen on them, but instead providing questions and options that they can use to clarify what is best for them at that given moment. Respectful help giving involves staying away from “should” and “must”. We healthy humans get our backs up when we hear those terms! We cut ourselves out of being a resource for people because they perceive you as telling them what to do or of being critical of them if they don’t follow what you say.

Empowering someone is giving them the tools to figure it out for themselves and respecting their timing. None of us knows fully what is best for another or can choose for another person. 

Remember that it takes time for survivors to work through what is happening to them and make decisions. They may deny what is happening because they are embarassed. They also may not have fully identified what is happening yet.

Offering your observations non-judgmentally is valuable even if they don’t respond right now. This is opening the door and letting them know they aren’t alone. Survivors always remember that first person who reached out to them, even when they don’t seem to be welcoming it at the time.

I work with concerned family members and friends who want guidance in how to respond. Domestic Abuse Intervention Services, Madison WI.’s local agency, also works with concerned others.

Together we can create a community that supports those affected by controlling relationships.

Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls.  A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot.  It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes.  But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy.                             Doris Schwerin, American writer

People who are in controlling relationships often have difficulty seeing their options for a number of very good reasons. First of all, the tension and chaos of the relationship keeps them hypervigilant and anxious, and we can’t think as clearly when we are anxious. The constant harassment of a controlling relationship does not afford time for reflection and questioning. And the isolation that occurs reduces input from others.

Therefore, any person who gives information and support provides the first jewel in the necklace of insight and hope. Having someone present possible options to them can be the beginning of creating the space to think. It is important to respect the person’s sense of timing and decisions about what is right for them. Whether the person wants to or can take advantage of it immediately is not as important as the simple fact that a door has been opened regarding the availability of support.

You are the first link in the chain of help as soon as you do any of the following:

• Tell them they don’t deserve what is happening,
• Answer a question about a restraining order or give some other information,
• Hand them a brochure or card for a helping agency,
• Refer them to another helping professional,
• Give them information related to safety planning.
• Go through the steps of making a safety plan with them.

Here is a link to a local Madison, Wisconsin agency who gives free services to domestic abuse survivors: http://www.abuseintervention.org

Here is a link to a comprehensive safety plan; people can pick and choose which parts are appropriate for them:    http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml