I use the following definitions:

•  Assertive behavior is any behavior in which you stand up for your self – through expressing feelings, thoughts, opinions, or actions – while also respecting the rights and feelings of others.

•  Passive or non-assertive behavior is any behavior in which you do not stand up for your self, and do not reveal your feelings, thoughts, or opinions, but defer to others when it is not in your best interests.

•  Aggressive behavior is any behavior in which you stand up for your self without respecting the rights of others – expressing your feelings, thoughts, opinions, and actions in ways which intentionally hurt or control others emotionally, mentally, physically, or sexually.

Differential socialization of men and women has led to assertive behavior sometimes being perceived differently in them.  We may expect assertiveness from men but then judge women negatively when they display the same behavior. If you know what assertiveness is and isn’t, it can help you in evaluating whether others’ judgments of you are accurate.

You can choose not to assert your self without that necessarily meaning that you are not an assertive person.  Possible reasons can be that you fear for your safety (when dealing with an aggressive person), that you deem it not in your best interests (with your boss), or you don’t care one way or another.

For those in difficult relationships, I encourage evaluating a situation to know what the risk of assertiveness is.  Particularly in situations where there has been abuse of any kind, it is important to assess the safety before choosing to be assertive.

•  Breaking promises,
• Refusing to commit to a person, project, idea, or date
• Putting off the next level of a relationship indefinitely
•  Forgetting meetings or dates (routinely, not occasionally)
•  Not listening to you or not recalling important information you’ve told them

When people do this a lot, it’s as if they are “keeping their options open”. It is frustrating to be in a relationship with someone like this. It may indicate a deep sense of ambivalence about getting close to anyone. It could also indicate narcissism, meaning the person has difficulty being empathic to or even recognizing others’ needs.

Having mutuality in the relationship – with your needs being as important as the other person’s – is the key thing to notice. People who have attention problems (such as ADD) or some type of brain injury may forget things a lot but that isn’t about commitment or interest.

You have the possibility of being more objective because you are not emotionally involved. You don’t have a stake in the relationship continuing or not continuing. If you find that you do, then it’s time to stop and examine why you have an agenda. Many family members and friends become understandably afraid for people they care about, and this can lead them to being more directive than is helpful.

Giving respect means not imposing your values or opinions of what should happen on them, but instead providing questions and options that they can use to clarify what is best for them at that given moment. Respectful help giving involves staying away from “should” and “must”. We healthy humans get our backs up when we hear those terms! We cut ourselves out of being a resource for people because they perceive you as telling them what to do or of being critical of them if they don’t follow what you say.

Empowering someone is giving them the tools to figure it out for themselves and respecting their timing. None of us knows fully what is best for another or can choose for another person. 

Remember that it takes time for survivors to work through what is happening to them and make decisions. They may deny what is happening because they are embarassed. They also may not have fully identified what is happening yet.

Offering your observations non-judgmentally is valuable even if they don’t respond right now. This is opening the door and letting them know they aren’t alone. Survivors always remember that first person who reached out to them, even when they don’t seem to be welcoming it at the time.

I work with concerned family members and friends who want guidance in how to respond. Domestic Abuse Intervention Services, Madison WI.’s local agency, also works with concerned others.

Together we can create a community that supports those affected by controlling relationships.

Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls.  A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot.  It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes.  But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy.                             Doris Schwerin, American writer

People who are in controlling relationships often have difficulty seeing their options for a number of very good reasons. First of all, the tension and chaos of the relationship keeps them hypervigilant and anxious, and we can’t think as clearly when we are anxious. The constant harassment of a controlling relationship does not afford time for reflection and questioning. And the isolation that occurs reduces input from others.

Therefore, any person who gives information and support provides the first jewel in the necklace of insight and hope. Having someone present possible options to them can be the beginning of creating the space to think. It is important to respect the person’s sense of timing and decisions about what is right for them. Whether the person wants to or can take advantage of it immediately is not as important as the simple fact that a door has been opened regarding the availability of support.

You are the first link in the chain of help as soon as you do any of the following:

• Tell them they don’t deserve what is happening,
• Answer a question about a restraining order or give some other information,
• Hand them a brochure or card for a helping agency,
• Refer them to another helping professional,
• Give them information related to safety planning.
• Go through the steps of making a safety plan with them.

Here is a link to a local Madison, Wisconsin agency who gives free services to domestic abuse survivors: http://www.abuseintervention.org

Here is a link to a comprehensive safety plan; people can pick and choose which parts are appropriate for them:    http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml

Confusion or puzzlement is the part of our psyche that jumps up and says “Wait a minute! You need to think about this!” The very act of stopping to think about what underlies any emotion helps us build a stronger sense of ourselves and increase our self-confidence. We need this strong dialogue within ourselves. We flourish when we learn to tap into what we know, our inner wisdom, our voice.

Scientists’ discovery that we know more than we have given ourselves credit for is illustrated by research on the body’s response to ideas and questions. The science of applied kinesiology has developed from the recognition that our bodies know truth when it is presented. It is important to develop trust within yourself of what you know.

When you do not listen to what you know, your body alerts you in subtle or not so subtle ways. Feelings of dis-ease in your body become disease and illness.

Good resources are:

The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting by Alice Miller

Power vs. Force: The Hidden Determinant of Human Behavior by David Hawkins