Books

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Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek

by Jennifer C. Parker, MSSW

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

“The validation that I received in sharing my story and feelings of an abusive/controlling relationship has helped me to open up about things I’ve kept inside of me for many years. I am now beginning to realize that I really am a person worthy of love and respect, and it’s amazing how empowering that belief can be!”

“I feel free! Stronger!”

Quotes from Women’s Voices Empowerment group participants

This book germinated in my heart for a long time. Seeds were planted when I developed my Women’s Voices group curriculum for survivors of intimate partner violence (IPV) in 1991. They were watered by a Spiritual Journaling class that inspired me to begin writing in 2006. Over the years of a busy practice, my writing mentor and two critique groups fertilized my developing craft. I took occasional breaks for significant life events, like selling my house and making time for my elderly mother. Doubts would creep in occasionally, like “who do you think you are writing a book?” Every time I asked myself whether this was really mine to do, there was a voice inside me that always gave me a strong YES.

This is written with deep respect and gratitude to all survivors. As I’ve worked alongside you, focused on your goals, my understanding and insight became deeper. You are the experts about coercive control; I am simply putting into words what you’ve had stamped into your lives and enlightening it with research and training. I am hopeful that this information assists you in making sense of the blight that touched your life.

My training, research, and clients inform the content and survivor illustrations. The latter are sometimes based on real people but written without identifying information. Often, they are composites from more than one person that exemplify the topic written about.

My vision for this book is fourfold:

• To provide information that increases your insights about what you’ve experienced
• To validate, encourage, inspire hope, and strengthen resolve
• To open a door of awareness to more people so that they care about, own, and work toward preventing intimate partner abuse
• To tip the world from belief in domination to respect and acceptance for everyone’s rights

Coercive control violates your civil rights and dampens your spirits. May this book guide you to uncover the layers of abuse, lies, and myths that have eclipsed who you truly are. Healing from this trauma requires recovering, or sometimes discovering for the first time, your personal power. This releases you from any blocks you have in recognizing your strengths and how you have endured.

The path of recovery cannot be clearly mapped out with do’s and don’ts. I agree with Mark Epsteini when he said, “The spiritual path means making a path rather than following one. It is a very personal process, unique to each individual.” Likewise, each of your situations are different, and you need to follow what is right for you. Reflections stimulated by Coercive Control can help in forging your path. Identifying what has trampled your spirit makes it possible to emerge with a stronger voice and create the life you want.

I set an intention to be as inclusive as possible. Intimate partner victims are as diverse as all of humanity. All genders, socio-economic classes, races, sexual orientations, professions, and religions experience it. About four in five victims are female,ii but IPV occurs with males and non-binary gendered individuals as well. It’s evident that intimate abuse is an emotional pandemic throughout every culture. Examples from all types of relationships help everyone to feel seen.

I utilize “you” and “we” because I want to speak to you rather than about you. I often speak conversationally with “we” as if it includes everyone, because it can happen to anyone. I am hopeful this style helps non-survivors, such as family members, friends, and professionals, put themselves in your shoes, gaining insights into common feelings and dilemmas.

The language is gender nonspecific when appropriate, using singular “they” for two reasons. First, using it eliminates having to rotate between “he” and “she” or limiting it to a single pronoun. Second, it encompasses both gendered and non-gender conforming individuals. Use of the singular “they” has become increasingly prominent; I’m hopeful that it becomes second nature as you read.

As a white woman, I know I’m privileged and my understanding is sometimes limited by that. I have worked to educate myself about diversity. However, we never know what we don’t know, and so I offer this work with humility. I hope that if your experience is not completely represented here that the bones are there that allow you to understand what you have endured.

Self-care may seem like a luxury, depending upon your circumstance. I’m aware it can seem like a privileged concept. In the midst of a chaotic relationship or when we find ourselves being a single parent, it may seem impossible or self-indulgent. However, even the little things we do to manage stress help, so I’ll include suggestions from time to time.

I especially encourage you to be aware of how reading this book affects you. You may at times have to put it down because it triggers too many memories. Doing so represents self-care as well. Take this at your own pace.

Though I placed the book’s sections in a format that I thought helpful, you can read them in the order that makes sense for you. I do encourage reading all, but you know what you need.

The sections of this book deal with common questions:

• Why read this book? This introduction acknowledges the pain of intimate abuse. It addresses safety, being gentle with yourself, and refraining from pressure or self-blame. If you aren’t sure now, reading this should help you to know if you want to continue.
• Am I being abused?
These chapters define coercive control and provide a comprehensive checklist that assists in naming what’s happened and how it’s walled off your freedom.
• Why do they hurt us?
This identifies the motivation and beliefs that drive intimates to wield power and control with partners. This clarifies why you’re confused and promotes placing responsibility where it belongs rather than on yourself.
• Why do I feel crazy?
This section illuminates why you may experience self-doubt, difficulty knowing what is real, depression, anxiety, intrusive memories, or other trauma symptoms. Emotional and physical forms of abuse cause injury. This information shields you from believing your partner’s claims “you’re crazy.”
• Why do they believe they should control us?
This section matches partners’ beliefs, attitudes, and behavior to the undercurrent of cultural assumptions and norms that enable their coercive control.
• How can I recognize abuse of power when I see it?
Another vision for this book is to connect the epidemic of intimate partner violence to a larger problem of dominating behavior in society. Coercive control exists in family, work, school, professional, and religious/ spiritual relationships. These chapters help recognize it anywhere you find it.
• What can I change?
These chapters focus on what you want to transform in your life. It identifies possible vulnerabilities you may have because of how you were brought up or due to previous injuries from abuse.
• How do I go forward?
The final section provides information for listening to your voice and stepping into your power. It does not tell you what you should do, but encourages your quest to find your answers and move from victim to survivor to thriver.

Writing this book has spurred my growth journey. It inspired both finding my voice and my willingness to be visible, or “brave the wilderness,”iii as Brene Brown calls it. My hope is that you find your voice and the way through your own wilderness as well.

“Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls. A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot. It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes. But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy.” Doris Schwerin

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i Mark Epstein, Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness, Lessons from Meditation and Psychotherapy (New York: Broadway Books, 1998) p. 118.
ii Statistic from the National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/
iii Brene Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone (New York: Random House, 2017)