Domination and Its Roots

Background

I discovered the root cause of intimate partner abuse in the course of facing my own crisis. First, some background.  

Growing up in the 60’s, I educated myself about women’s rights and racial inequities. I entered marriage with ideas of equality but with little insight into how to make that a reality. Like many in my generation, I breathed in the culture of domination without knowing that it existed. I believed in equal partnership and became dissatisfied when that didn’t materialize in my marriage.  

The crisis was discovering my partner’s infidelity, which ultimately led to a divorce. In order to better support myself and our children, I enhanced my psychology degree with a practicum at an abuse shelter. This began my re-education, taking a turn I hadn’t foreseen. I began this practicum knowing nothing about domestic abuse and ended it knowing that my life wasn’t so different from the victims we served.

My practicum ignited a passion for empowering intimate partner abuse survivors. The Chalice and the Blade by Riane Eisler[i] “found” me during this period of time. I woke up to how domination affected me and began reevaluating how I saw the world. Through Eisler’s work as well as that of feminist authors, I saw how sexism, racism, intimate partner abuse, and all forms of oppression are connected.

Fast forward to 2010. As I delved into writing my book, I rediscovered Eisler’s work along with her subsequent books that explore Partnership systems throughout all aspects of society. My soon to be published book Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek has a chapter that connects the insights of her work with intimate partner abuse. A few of the insights from that chapter follow.

Dominator Assumptions and Beliefs

I see four domination assumptions prevalent in our culture that lead to the epidemic of intimate abuse. They are:

• Power is finite and must be hoarded. When we operate with this belief, we are threatened by anyone else having power. We either dispute the legitimacy of others opinions or feelings, or we suppress our own.

• Power comes from power over others. When this operates, we have trouble sharing power or understanding cooperation and collaboration. If we aren’t in control, we feel controlled.

• Differences are threatening. Anyone who thinks, feels, acts, or looks different must be proven wrong or bad. If not, that means something bad about us.

• Some people have greater worth. This follows from the last one. When we make some people, feelings, or opinions bad, it automatically makes us more worthy in our minds, and consequently entitled to have our way.

Do any of these sound familiar? From my work with survivors, I noticed themes in their experiences. I formulated these into abuser beliefs that grow out of the four assumptions. Five of them are:

• “Your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions are not legitimate”
• “I’m entitled: my needs and wants come first”
• “My way is the right way”
• “I must do whatever it takes to maintain control”
• If I’m not in control, you’re controlling me.    

I gave a survey to some of my clients to see if they resonated with these and other beliefs. They reported that they did and gave me specific examples. Here is one anonymous experience:

I tried to get back into working out. He would intentionally leave the room as soon as I would start, leaving our young daughter to be tended to by me. On the few occasions I left her with him to go to the gym he would call me telling me I needed to come home to take care of her. He called me selfish for taking away time from family to work out.

If you are reading this as a survivor, I’m sure you have many of your own examples.

Change

Those who have participated in my Women’s Voices groups know that we spend a couple of sessions looking at socialization and how it impacted them in positive or negative ways. I believe this examination empowers victims and helps them not take abuse personally. It also helps them identify changes they want to make. We’re all affected by socialization; some are slanted more toward domination beliefs than others.

This post looked at the beliefs that empower abusers. If you’re interested in reading more, I will announce the availability of my book for preorders soon.

My next post will be devoted to the beliefs that victims often have that leave them more vulnerable to domination.

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[i] Riane Eisler, The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc., 1987. Other books by Eisler: The Power of Partnership, Tomorrow’s Children, The Partnership Way, & Nurturing Our Humanity.