HOW TO RESPOND TO INTIMIDATION

Many survivors of partner abuse wonder how to respond to intimidation after they’ve left. Regardless of whether the ex-partner’s motivation is revenge or wanting to have their way, interacting with them saps your energy and frequently causes you to feel hopeless and helpless.

This article addresses how to respond to intimidation. But first, we’ll look at the need to resist reacting quickly to what they do.

Reaction Pitfalls

You may react out of anger or frustration that your ex is once again being manipulative or coercive. Your anger is reasonable. However, reacting can disempower instead of empowering you. If interactions end with you feeling upset and helpless, it’s time to try something new. However, don’t fret; mistakes are part of learning.

Here are common reactions that disempower you as well as reasons not to use them.

Avoiding Contact

This obviously interferes with advocating for yourself. Also, it may look like you’re the problem to others.

Avoiding is not the same as limiting contact. Limit contact by ending conversations that are destructive or by communicating in written form instead of face to face or over the phone. How to Overcome Barriers to Healing offers suggestions for limiting contact.

Giving in To Them

Giving into your ex continues the pattern of power and control over you that you wanted to leave behind. It may feel easier or less dangerous. However, learning other ways of responding to intimidation reduces your sense of helplessness.

Giving Them a Dose of Their Behavior

You may be tempted to defend yourself by demonstrating what abuse feels like. However, consider two things. First, you will be vulnerable to your partner’s accusation that you’re just as abusive. Others often do not recognize the difference in motivation between self-defense and coercive control.

Second, you want to respond in ways that keep your power. Expressing anger or frustration with things like name-calling or vengeful tactics is, in effect, approving those tactics. That’s not what you want. Resisting this temptation takes back control over your life without allowing their behavior to influence yours.

Let’s look at how to express yourself with strength and grace.

Take Charge of How You Respond

Learning how to respond to intimidation involves observing and taking time to develop a response. Reactions come without thinking things through. They are like your body’s automatic reaction to a doctor’s tap on your knee.

Slow down, consider what they say, center yourself, and take time to decide on how to respond. Pausing to think it through is the most important thing you can do.

Consider these points:

Affirm you have the right to respect your wants and needs and to make decisions.
Do something that centers you if you’re emotionally upset.
Respond in a timely manner, but do not be pressured to give a response immediately. Most things are not time sensitive.
Give up on convincing them to agree with you. It’s a waste of energy.
Talk to someone you trust about the situation and brainstorm possible responses.
Maintain the schedule given by court-ordered visitation if your ex often pressures you for deviations. Be a broken record: “The visitation agreement says . . .”

You may find it helpful to devise a blueprint to follow when you feel intimidated. Here is an example that will give you some ideas:

When I know I’ll have contact or see their name on my phone or email, I’ll take a deep breath and say an affirmation (or whatever works to ground you).
If it’s not a good time for me, I can let phone calls go to voicemail, listen, and then respond.
I’ll re-read any written messages before responding. With personal or phone, I’ll tell them I can’t respond now but will get back to them.
I will write about what I’m feeling and what I want to say.
I’ll compose a brief response, talking it over with someone if I need to.
I’ll respond to them and let go of expecting them to like it

Empowered Responses

You want your response to be assertive, not aggressive, and to possess a different energy than what your ex is doing. Hope is said to have two daughters: anger and courage. You want to combine your anger with the courage to change how you respond. Be prepared for your ex-partner not liking anything that empowers you.

If it’s hard for you to imagine how to do this, look at the Resources below that show you how to respond to intimidation in smart, strong ways.

In addition, consider whether you want to work with a therapist or coach who understands coercive control and how to empower you.

Resources

This list of resources is not exhaustive but contains ones that I know and trust.

Books:

It’s Not High Conflict, It’s Post-Separation Abuse, Kaytlyn Gillis (Gotha, FL: Lisa Nicole Publishing, 2023)

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Bill Eddy (Scottsdale, AZ: HCI Press, 2011)

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities, Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. (New York: A TarcherPerigree Book, 2018)

Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing Amy J. L. Baker & Paul R. Fine (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2014)

Coach Websites:

Kaytee Gillis, author, coach, and researcher on intimate partner abuse.

Dr. Christine Cocchiola, therapist and coach at Coercive Control Consulting Institute