HOW TO OVERCOME BARRIERS TO HEALING

Safety issues and concerns about the best interests of children were barriers to healing mentioned in Healing and Creating a New Life. This blog addresses two important ones that affect safety and family welfare. It ends with a list of resources to help overcome barriers to healing. They help you know the best ways to navigate any difficulties you encounter.    

Barriers to Healing: Attorneys without Expertise in Coercive Control

Attorneys often do not understand coercive control and the types of manipulation that abusive partners use. This interferes with them accurately interpreting what is happening. For instance, they may not understand why you find it necessary to set rigid limits instead of compromising regarding visitation.  

Guidelines if you don’t have an attorney yet:

• Contact a domestic abuse agency regarding attorneys they recommend who have worked well with abuse victims.
• Investigate the resources listed at the end of this blog before or while choosing an attorney. Choose those that fit for you.  
• Interview prospective attorneys regarding their knowledge about abusive partners’ behavior. You are their employer. It’s important to feel comfortable with them and to know they possess the knowledge and ability to advocate effectively for you.
• Overcome any reluctance you have about divulging the abuse in your relationship. Hiding it at the start is a disadvantage because it looks suspicious if you need to divulge it later. Inform attorneys of how the abuse affects you to gauge how understanding and empathetic they are. You want someone who understands how traumatic abuse is instead of viewing its effects as a personal weakness.  

Guidelines if you’ve already engaged an attorney:

• See last bullet above.
• Let your attorney know about problems in how they respond to your abusive partner’s actions. Recommend books, articles, and websites that address what you want.  
• Do not expect your attorney to function as a therapist. Give them information about abusive behavior and how you’re affected, but if you need an objective listener and helper to guide you, seek a therapist with expertise in trauma and domestic abuse. Though you want them to be empathic, therapy isn’t their skill set and using them for support will be more expensive.
• Consider whether to ask your therapist whether to sign a release of information with family court so they can corroborate your experience.  

Barriers to Healing: Family Court Professionals Without Coercive Control Expertise  

Family court professionals and judges also may lack knowledge about coercive control tactics. If so, they may not recognize behavior that provides barriers to healing. That’s why it is important to have an attorney familiar with abuse and ways to respond to the misuse of power. They cannot ensure the outcome of your case, but you will fare better than with someone who doesn’t get it.   

Guidelines for contact with family court professionals:

• Understand that the family court process should be neutral in the beginning. Do not expect they will automatically believe everything you say. After all, you don’t want them to believe everything your partner says about you. When they seem neutral or unresponsive, do not panic but know it’s a necessary part of their job.
• Family court needs facts, so stick to them. Do not use labels like narcissism or other mental health diagnoses, unless a professional diagnosed them. In that case, you can give the name of that professional, which is something an abuser may not disclose. While labeling your partner as a narcissist is helpful to you in understanding their behavior, family court professionals may see it as a red flag about you. Remind yourself what your partner may be calling you and how you hope they do not take that as gospel.
• Disclose problematic or abusive behavior and how it affects you and the children. Practice writing out the facts without mind-reading your partner’s motives. For example, “Randy kept the children an extra day beyond the agreement” instead of “Randy kept the children an extra day to get back at me for reporting the abuse.” An exception is when you’re quoting what they said. (See next two bullets)
• Document all behavior that is abusive or doesn’t follow what a court ordered. You can write episodes on a separate calendar, in a journal, or digitally. Be sure to protect it.
• Keep communication to written forms if at all possible. Ask the court to order an app like My Family Wizard as a communication device if they don’t suggest it. That app allows others to see what both of you write, so it’s easier to document.  
• Talk to your attorney if a professional seems to believe your abusive partner more than you. Sometimes professionals have biases they do not recognize: your attorney is best suited to address that.  
• If your abusive partner harasses you with phone calls, texts, or emails, ask your attorney for protection. If the court does not grant it, find workarounds. Here are examples, and you may think of others that work better for you.
  • Do not think you have to immediately be at your partner’s beck and call. Return their communication when you’ve had a chance to think about how to respond.
• • Block your partner on cell phones except when they have the children if they constantly harass you with calls or texts.
• • Tell your partner you will only respond to messages that concern the children and visitation. If they switch to harassment, be firm and stop the communication.
  • If you’ve said no to a request, do not respond to any additional accusations or pressure. If they send multiple texts, emails, or voice messages to harass you, save them as evidence. Document and report any threats they make.
• If the court allows in-person contacts but you are afraid your coercive partner will use visitation to emotionally or physically abuse you, always bring a witness. This may prevent aggressive actions, but if not, there is someone who can corroborate your experience.

If the divorce process is long and chaotic, you will need emotional support. Family and friends are important allies, but sometimes they don’t understand, or they have their own problems handling what’s happening. A therapist who understands the dynamics of abusive partners can offer guidance.  

Resources to Overcome Barriers to Healing

This list of resources is not exhaustive but contains ones that I know and trust.

Books:

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Bill Eddy (Scottsdale, AZ: HCI Press, 2011)

Coercive Relationships: find the Answers You Seek, Jennifer C. Parker, MSSW (Texas: Black Rose Writing, 2021)

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities, Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. (New York: A TarcherPerigree Book, 2018)

It’s Not High Conflict, It’s Post-Separation Abuse, Kaytlyn Gillis (Gotha, FL: Lisa Nicole Publishing, 2023)

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2011)

Surviving Parental Alienation: A Journey of Hope and Healing (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2014)

The High-Conflict Custody Battle: Protect Yourself and Your Kids from a Toxic Divorce, False Accusations, and Parental Alienation, Amy J.L. Baker & J. Michael Bone, & Briand Ludmer (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2014)

Websites:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/ has a wealth of information, articles, newsletters, and podcasts for survivors and those who assist them. Highly recommended.

The High Conflict Institute website has resources for survivors and professionals. This institute also addresses a broader audience, including workplace conflict and families. I do not see domestic abuse as “high conflict,” because this infers that it is mutual. However, the behaviors cited are those coercive controllers use. I include the site because they offer skills that survivors and those who assist them would find helpful. https://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Professional Training Opportunities in Coercive Control:

My next virtual training is Therapeutic Interventions for Survivors of Partner Abuse offered through University of Wisconsin—Eau Claire. Link to register: https://ce.uwec.edu/programs/coercive-relationships/

Dr. Christine Marie Cocchiola offers Coercive Control Trauma-Informed  Clinician, Attorney, Divorce Coach Certification Training here: https://go.drcocchiola.com/clinicianattorneydivorcecoach

Coercive control and domestic abuse expert Dr. Emma Katz has a newsletter and website: https://dremmakatz.com/

Expert on coercive control, domestic & sexual violence, and child abuse Dr. Lisa Fontes: https://lisafontes.com/

Goodreads Book Giveaway

You can register for a chance at winning one of five copies of Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek. Register between December 6, 2024 and January 2, 2025.

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