GIVING and RECEIVING NEGATIVE FEEDBACK - Madison Mental Health Counselor

Learning about giving and receiving negative feedback may not seem inviting because of past experiences with both. None of us like receiving it and we may be uncomfortable giving it. The last two skills, expressing and receiving positive feedback have more comfortable associations. This fourth blog in my assertive communication series shows why these skills are important and how to be constructive in their use.

Feedback skills cultivate good relationships. Perhaps it is easier to see this with positive expressions, but it’s no less true with negative. Living involves inevitable tensions with others because we’re all different. It’s important to know when to let go and “let live.” There are other occasions when we need to say something to respect our own rights and sensibilities. What and how we do it spells the difference between damaging the relationship or strengthening it. How we receive negative feedback also affects our relationships.

Let’s review the definition of assertiveness found in Assertiveness Beliefs:

“Assertive behavior expresses thoughts, emotions, opinions, and desires in ways that also recognize the rights of others.”

This article and the included handout teach how to stand up for yourself and receive criticism in assertive ways.

Giving Negative Feedback

Many times, we avoid giving others negative feedback because we don’t want to endanger the relationship. Ironically, this avoidance may poison the relationship in one of two ways.

First, keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves can lead to a “build-up, blow-up” (BUBU) phenomenon. This occurs when we feel strongly about something said or done but choose to say nothing. When enough built-up emotion accumulates, we may blow up at the person, sometimes over small things. This is not an effective way of getting across our feelings and needs, because typically our points get lost in the reaction to our behavior. It builds a wall between you and the other person, since anger blow-ups and intolerance are not pleasant to be around.

A second avoidance strategy is to say nothing and distance from those with whom we don’t agree or have a negative experience with. “Ghosting” is a newer term for this. They may have no idea why we’ve backed off, and it doesn’t allow space for working it out. We may cut off relationships unnecessarily.

Learning how to give negative feedback constructively along with believing in our rights allows us to speak our truth. We benefit regardless of how the person responds because we feel stronger. Speaking our truth also shows us who is respectful regardless of disagreement.

The key is whether feedback is given with the goal of building the relationship rather than tearing down a person. The steps for giving it are at the end of this article.

Possible Barriers

Fear of conflict—Anyone who experiences verbal abuse or other forms of coercive control knows the fear that generates. That response can result in being afraid of any form of disagreement, even with people who are respectful. To achieve the goal of living free from what I call “instilled fear,” you may need to do trauma work as well as learn assertiveness techniques.
Childhood discouragement—Avoidance of giving negative feedback may start in childhood. Individuals may be discouraged when voicing their opinions. Active discouragement occurs through giving physical or emotional consequences. Learned avoidance may also occur from encouragement to be loyal to what others say and not think for oneself.
Blame— If we believe assigning blame must happen when conflict arises, we are less apt to use constructive methods. We can stand up for ourselves without blaming or shaming. When we state what is true for us by using “I” language, we stay away from fault-finding.
The need to be right—When we think we’re right about something, we may be blinded to how harsh our feedback sounds. You’ll see that one of the steps of giving negative feedback involves stating your point of view tentatively. This doesn’t mean we don’t believe in our point of view; it simply acknowledges we may not know all the facts or understand the other person’s perspective. It’s helpful to ask ourselves whether we have to be right or want to make the situation right.
Self-esteem—If one fears that delivering negative feedback will diminish the other’s self-esteem, this becomes an impediment. This is the counterpart to delivering inappropriate positive feedback covered in last month’s blog. Healthy self-esteem develops in those who receive appropriate feedback in kind and respectful ways, both positive and negative.

Receiving Negative Feedback

Receiving negative feedback isn’t fun but doing so gracefully strengthens relationships. It shows that you value the other person and their right to give their perspective.

The human tendency is to become defensive. We can resist this by being curious about someone’s perspective and being grateful that the other person cares enough to tell us rather than dismissing or blowing up at us.

If the negative feedback we receive isn’t constructive, it is more challenging to hear. But not impossible. We can choose assertiveness regardless of how the other person behaves. Sometimes when we receive non-defensively, it shifts the other person from the offense in their communication because they feel heard.

If you don’t agree with the feedback, you can express that after you’ve indicated you heard them. An example is “I’m (puzzled/disappointed/frustrated/angry) because I think your feedback is unfair, and then say why.

If the negative feedback is abusive, for instance it questions your worth, different strategies are called for that will be covered in later articles.

Possible Barriers

Abusive feedback—The steps of receiving negative feedback should not be used with someone who uses abusive language. How to respond depends upon the situation. It may not be safe to respond in the moment, or you may be able to set limits. Shield yourself as best you can from destructive feedback.
Defensiveness—If we’ve been overwhelmed with abusive feedback in a relationship(s), we may be defensive about constructive feedback also. We may have trouble hearing what is said because any suggestion of conflict triggers us. It takes time and effort to develop healthy boundaries that can allow us to take feedback constructively rather than as a personal assault on our worth.
The need to be right—This gets in the way when we’re receiving feedback as well as giving it. It interferes with listening to and understanding another’s point of view. When we can let go of being right while receiving feedback, there is a greater chance we will be heard when we express our point of view. Respectful communication even when we disagree builds relationships.

Enhance Your Skill

Download Giving and Receiving Negative Feedback to learn how.

Assertive beliefs that encourage the abilities to give and receive negative feedback:

I value my opinions regardless of whether others agree while also considering the validity of theirs.
I have the right to express my opinions.
I have the right to stand up for myself and ask for change.
Asking questions is a strength that reveals a desire to know.

Work on any of these beliefs that block using the skills. Be patient with yourself and accept that new skills take practice. Finding safe friends to practice with will also benefit them.