POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS

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Positive Expressions

Giving and receiving positive expressions are the next skills in my assertive communication series that began with Assertive Beliefs. It covers two of four feedback skills. Each article in this series includes exercises for learning and practicing assertive skills.

Some do not think of giving and receiving positive feedback as being assertive. However, assertiveness is not just about taking a stand when there is disagreement. It also enables us to express the fullness of our emotions, including both positive and negative ones. Giving and receiving negative feedback will be covered in my next article.  

Positive expressions not only feel good; they boost our nervous system’s resilience. Research[i] shows that supportive relationships act as a buffer form all stressors. Everyone needs relationships with people who demonstrate care and respect. Friends, family, and professional support contribute to everyone’s wellbeing.

Expressing Positive Feedback

Positive expressions give life to relationships, promoting goodwill and demonstrating care and respect. Examples include recognizing a positive quality or behavior, saying thank you, and praising accomplishments.

Focusing on what we like encourages more of it in others. It promotes change better than only focusing on what you see as negative. Children thrive when their caregivers regularly give positive feedback for appropriate behavior. It builds their confidence and self-esteem. It also bolsters these in adults.

Focusing on what we are grateful for helps reset our brains and calm ourselves. Therefore, giving positive expressions to others also benefits us.

Positive expressions are just as useful in work relationships. Everyone benefits from recognition. Organizational analysts[ii] confirm that employees are happier, more productive, and stay longer when structures exist for giving positive feedback along with citing room for improvement.  

Possible Barriers

  • Those in coercive relationships often try to manage their partners’ moods or prop up their self-esteem with positive feedback. They may focus on finding positives so much that it interferes with seeing the imbalance in their relationships.
  • Coercive partners lack of reciprocation with positive expression saps confidence and energy, making it more difficult to focus on new skills.
  • Some families believe that giving positive feedback results in conceit and becoming self-centered. They hold back recognition of people’s accomplishments and positive qualities. Usually, these same families are quick to provide negative feedback. Self-esteem and confidence flourish when people express gratitude and appreciation.
  • People may make the opposite mistake and give positive feedback even when it isn’t merited. Often, their motivation is to promote self-esteem. However, it encourages an unrealistic picture of themselves and how others will respond to them, which promotes becoming self-centered. Other receivers may devalue what the giver says if they receive only glowing remarks they know they don’t deserve. We have healthy self-esteem when we know who we are and feel good enough about ourselves. This provides endurance for any constructive negative feedback we receive.   
  • If we believe people close to us should “know I love and appreciate them,” we hold back positive feedback. This often goes with thinking others should know what we want so we shouldn’t have to ask. Both beliefs are toxic to healthy relationships. Dr. John Gottmann and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottmann[iii], couple therapists and researchers, emphasize the importance of expressing positive feedback because it is an important way to build an emotional bank account between people. Think of this account as a pot of goodwill. When it is full, relationships are more resilient during difficult times, whether they are couples, friends, family, or colleagues.  

Receiving Positive Feedback

It may seem like receiving positive feedback doesn’t require any skill. After all, it feels good and just requires a thank you. Yet, we’ve all known people who deflect compliments and other forms of positive feedback.

Receiving positives gracefully means you have strong self-esteem. Doing so also honors the opinion of the person giving it. Therefore, receiving contributes to healthy relationships, with yourself and with others.   

Possible Barriers

  • Coercive control damages self-esteem and confidence. This can result in difficulty believing you deserve praise or kind words even as your spirit craves it. Healing from self-esteem injuries has to go along with learning assertiveness.
  • If we believe acceptance of compliments shows arrogance or that one has a big ego, we have trouble accepting positive feedback. Receiving compliments doesn’t mean we think we are better than others. Consider that rejecting or downplaying positive expressions insults the communicator’s judgment. If you notice discomfort in yourself, remember the concept of an emotional bank account. Giving and receiving positives contributes to healthy relationships.
  • Those who have low self-esteem and confidence often feel uncomfortable about receiving praise. They deny or downplay what they say. The result can be that we receive less positive feedback, which completes the loop of not feeling good about themselves.
  • Some people feel good about themselves but are uncomfortable with receiving praise because they are humble and don’t want attention for what they do. It’s possible to possess this valued character trait and also appreciate the benefits of accepting.  

Enhance Your Skill

Download Expressing and Receiving Positive Feedback to learn the steps and practice.

Refer to my article on Assertiveness Beliefs if you have a lot of discomfort using these skills. Two beliefs that apply are:

  • “I have the right to accept compliments; acceptance does not mean I think I am better than others.”  
  • “Receiving builds my relationships with others.“

Practice and patience result in making all assertive abilities your new normal.

[i] The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, Bruce Perry & Maia Szalavitz (New York: Basic Books, 2017)

[ii] The Bully-Free Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels, and Snakes from Killing Your Organization (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2011)

[iii]  https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/ and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver (New York: Harmony, 2015)