CULTIVATING RESILIENCE FROM COERCIVE CONTROL
When intimate partner abuse victims say they feel crazy, it’s important to assure them they are not. Their partners often work to convince them of it. Plus, coercive control undermines victims’ self-trust and normal coping strategies.
When survivors know about how coercive control affects them, it helps make sense of what how they feel. My book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answer You Seek goes into detail about its injuries.
There is a simple tool that helps many trauma survivors; simple but not always easy. So, ahead of time, give yourself wells of permission and patience.
Emotional Dysregulation
This term refers to the sensation many survivors describe as “falling apart” when they experience strong emotions like anger, sadness, frustration, and irritability.
Humans are not born with emotional regulation skills, as anyone familiar with toddlers knows. Young children develop them when they have safe, nurturing environments, though autism and other handicaps can hamper this. When homes do not provide safety, children become adults who have trouble regulating their emotions. They may feel overwhelmed by things that others can take in their stride.
The primary cause of dysregulation in adults who are not autistic is early childhood trauma. Any adult who experienced child abuse (neglect or verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse) will naturally have less ability to manage the emotional effects of adult crises. Including abuse from a partner. However, all victims of partner abuse do not experience dysregulation.
Path to Feeling Crazy
IPV victims do feel traumatized by coercive control, and this affects how they respond to their partners in ways that may not be apparent to an outsider.
Abusive partners feel entitled to power and control. Since survivors enter relationships with expectations they will be cared about and protected, they respond differently to them than they would with other people who are inappropriate
For instance:
- The nature of a committed relationship makes victims more vulnerable. Most abusers don’t escalate their control until they are sure of commitment.
- Victims deny or mislabel abuse because it is so difficult to believe loved ones intend to hurt them.
- They avoid upsetting partners because they want to limit their pain and they’re told they caused their behavior.
- They suppress thoughts and feelings because abusers don’t allow the mental space to process ongoing abuse.
If other people display similar actions and words, it is easier to tell them to stop or get lost.
Impact on Concentration
Concentration and focus are a frequent issue for survivors. A few of the reasons for it are:
- The abuser may prevent or interrupt sleep.
- The necessity to be constantly on alert for upsetting partners adds stress and worry, and this can interfere with sound sleep.
- Managing multiple sources of stress drains them.
- The energy it takes to survive causes them to pull back from other relationships. Now they have fewer opportunities to receive support.
It snowballs into the nightmare of thinking there must be something wrong with them.
Research data offers explanations for why attention suffers because of trauma and stress. Dr. Amishi Jha, a neuroscientist and author of the best-seller Peak Mind[i], says,
“Attention in the broadest sense is the brain’s capacity to prioritize some information over other information.”[ii]
Her book indicates attention is extremely fragile and vulnerable to stress, threat, and negative mood. Threats can be physical, emotional, reputational, or acts of injustice.
Stress, threat, and negative mood.
Precisely what abuse victims experience.
Attention Cultivation
Dr. Jha says that mindfulness tools can improve our levels of attention. Many think, “I can’t do mindfulness.” Please read on before deciding.
Mindfulness meditation has not felt user friendly because of misunderstandings about what it is.
- It IS NOT emptying your mind of everything.
- It IS a process of bringing attention back from mind wandering to focusing on breathing, walking, or anything you’re doing.
We can use mind wandering as part of the solution! Let that sink in, loosening preconceived notions.
Research shows that bringing the mind back to the present moment benefits people physically and emotionally. Similar to exercise, it needs practice and patience.
Dr. Jha says that just 12 minutes a day is all it takes. I recommend her book. If twelve minutes seems too long, start with a minute. For instance:
- Notice your chest rising and falling as you inhale and exhale, or the sensation in your nostrils.
- Wash dishes by noticing their shapes & textures, the warmth of the water on your hands, the satisfaction of seeing them come clean.
- Focus on your child’s smile, the way they hug you, the feel of them in your arms.
- Appreciate a sunset or a flower’s colors, smells, textures, everything about the setting.
Do what works for you. Bring your attention back as many times as it wanders and see it as success.
Using Attention Metaphors
Dr. Jha’s uses metaphors to talk about the different types of attention.
- The flashlight focuses attention. We use it when we need to read or complete a task.
- The floodlight broadens our attention so we receive a broad range of information. We use it when doing something that requires casting a wide net of attention, like driving or walking down a street.
- The juggler manages the different areas that need our attention by prioritizing. We use it at work and home when there are multiple things to accomplish.
Dr. Jha says that our jugglers are prone to fatigue. This results from multi-tasking, a common practice today. Switching from one task to another depletes attention. She sees attention like fuel; we empty our gas tanks faster when we switch.
Here are two ways survivors can apply these metaphors.
- When you find your mind wandering to worries about what your partner is going to do next, you are in floodlight mode. The unending rabbit holes of trying to prevent the next incident drain energy. It is impossible. And it takes away from enjoying your present with friends and family. Use your flashlight to redirect your attention to how you want to live your life.
- There are so many balls to juggle in our lives, and abusive relationships add to this. Work on setting priorities in what you need to accomplish and then use your flashlight to stay focused on one at a time. Resist going back and forth between multiple calls for your attention. Ways to do that are:
- closing email tabs,
- shutting off notifications,
- silencing the phone,
- closing your door.
Don’t expect perfection. Sometimes children or others have to interrupt. The point is to increase your use of spotlight attention and reduce the switching.
[i] Dr. Amishi Jha, Peak Mind: Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Minutes a Day (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 2021)
[ii] Brene Brown, Dare to Lead Podcast, March 21, 2022.
