GRIEF AS PART OF HEALING - Madison Mental Health Counselor

Grief is always a normal and important part of healing for intimate partner abuse survivors. This blog examines thoughts about grief and provides possible resources to explore.

Sometimes grief is interpreted as a negative sign. It is important to acknowledge losses with relationship abuse and the emotions associated with them. Examples: time, opportunities, ex-partner’s family members, love, ideals of togetherness, children—the list is innumerable. And not least of all, changes in how survivors view themselves.

The grief stage of healing is often delayed because survivors are in the midst of so much abuse turmoil. They do not have the energy or time to focus on it. That may cause conscious grief to be delayed and then, they may worry about what that means.

Friends or family sometimes dismiss grief, especially the sadness stage. They say things like, “Why do you feel sad about losing someone who hurt you?” The harm resulted in losses. Allowing all the emotions that come up about these—confusion, disbelief, anger, sadness—facilitates moving on. Repressing grief does not make it go away. It can actually prolong it.

Grief Due to Betrayal

I recently listened to LaDonna Carey’s[i] betrayal trauma talk. She indicated this term is relevant for any type of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from an intimate partner. According to Carey,

“Betrayal trauma comes from our trust being violated in a significant way by someone we depend on for survival or someone we are significantly attached to.”

Intimate abuse represents a betrayal of normal relationship expectations. We expect partners to be loving, to care about what’s important to us, and to show empathy. The behavior of those who coerce and abuse differs completely from these expectations. It is natural to feel betrayed. Survivors may feel they betrayed themselves because they think “I should have known better.” Loss of self-trust becomes part of the identity crisis they confront.

Carey said the five stages of grief with betrayal trauma differ somewhat from the familiar stages of grief. They are:

Shock (overwhelmed),
Denial (struggle to make sense of it),
Anger (feeling the injustice of it),
Grief (loss of life as they have known it, trust in their judgment, and
Healing (a process).

Carey has agreed to be a guest blogger in July to give more information about betrayal trauma.

Who Am I Now?

Identity changes have been mentioned twice, so let’s give this more attention.

Any type of trauma or crisis affects how we see ourselves and our lives. Trauma literature documents that core beliefs often change; for instance, the world is a safe place or we can trust significant others. Here are some more examples.

Some who saw themselves as strong and able to be assertive begin to doubt themselves.
Others resist labeling abuse because they do not see themselves as a victim. My blog, We are Not What Happedned to Us addresses this. It’s important to label behavior that victimizes without accepting it as an identity.
Many survivors believe partners put-downs, like stupid or worthless. Recovery involves changing how they see themselves and building self-trust.

We are not truly captains of our lives unless we can reach acceptance of what happened and manage its effects. Acceptance means we name it, not that it was okay. The grief process frees us to transition to a new, better chapter of life. One we can create thoughtfully.

Grief as a Transition SuperPower

I find it helpful to think of grief as a process that transitions us from one life chapter to another. Life contains many chapters: youth, launching into adulthood, marriage, divorce, childbearing, retirement.

Bruce Feiler’s information on transitions adds insight.[ii] He describes three phases. There is the “long goodbye” that mourns the old you or situation, “the messy middle,” where you shed the old and create new patterns, and “the new beginning,” in which you gradually acclimate to your new life. We move among these phases, and Feiler says we spend more time in the one we’re best at, which he calls “our transition superpower.”

All phases carry their own pain and/or awkwardness. The often-cited stages of grieving (denial, bargaining, depression, anger) are certainly part of the “long goodbye.” These phases take as long as we need, different times for different people. Circumstances affect it. The bittersweet grief that comes from a natural loss like transitioning into adulthood or retirement differs significantly from the loss of a loved one or abuse-caused losses.

Ambiguous Loss Grief

Ambiguous loss literature says not all losses have closure. This means the stages of grieving do not apply as well. Sarah B. Woods, Ph.D.[iii] and Pauline Boss[iv] identify the loss of someone gradually because of dementia and recent pandemic losses as examples.

I think grief because of partner abuse is another type of ambiguous loss. When still in the relationship, naturally there is no closure, yet there is loss. After relationships end, coercive control may continue, especially when there are children. The continued presence of an abusive ex complicates grieving when there never seems to be an end. It is vital to have support in responding to this.

Healing

If you are a therapist, giving information about what is normal to experience as well as strategies for healing helps survivors manage overwhelmed feelings. Nervous system dysregulation is common with trauma, so you may need to help them with that.

If you are a survivor, it often helps to have someone walk with you on your healing journey. It usually feels like a lonely road, so, if possible, give yourself a companion who is objective, non-judgmental, empathic, and knowledgeable. This could be through online chat groups as well as in person. Therapists and friends can help you hold space for the healing that you may have trouble believing is possible.

If that is true for you, don’t worry; you are normal. All traumas affect victims in multiple ways: physically, emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, and spiritually. My book Coercive Relationships provides more detailed information about these injuries as well as a basis for healing.

Support, patience, and time ensure that grief transforms and opens you to the new chapter you desire.

[i] https://www.ladonnacarey.com/

[ii] Bruce Feiler, “Feeling Stuck: Five Tips for managing Life Transitions” (New York Times, July 16, 2020). Also published Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age (New York: Penguin Books, 2020)

[iii] Sarah B. Woods, “COVID-19 and Ambiguous Loss” (Psychology Today, May 8, 2020)

[iv] Pauline Boss, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change (W. W. Norton & Company, December, 2021)