ASSERTIVE BELIEFS

Assertive Beliefs is the seventh blog in my empowerment series for victims of partner abuse. You must believe you have the right to be assertive before using skills: this article builds that foundation. It covers definitions, benefits, beliefs that may interfere, an assertiveness skills list, and steps to work on the belief that you have the right to stand up for yourself. Future blogs focus on the techniques.

Before proceeding, I have two cautions.

• Lack of assertiveness is never the reason someone is abused. When I did group work, this skill was always the last taught. I didn’t want them to think that changing their behavior would stop abuse. Yes, some abusers are drawn to those who are submissive, but others are drawn to assertive partners. Yes, victims can say things that are hurtful. However, those who choose abuse always have other choices to deal with conflict or their emotions.   
• An assessment of the risk of saying something should always be done with partners who use abuse. Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait until you’re safe. See this as a smart choice.

Abusive significant others generally punish assertiveness that they think diminishes their privilege. My previous blog, Partners’ Domination Beliefs, explains why. They do not want to give up their “power,” and don’t recognize the benefits that could come from equal rights, mutuality, discussion, and compromise.

Definitions

We receive more of what we want in life when we are assertive. This ability goes beyond that, however; it promotes healthy relationships of all kinds.    

Survivors of abuse often are confused because coercive controllers label their behavior as “aggressive” when it isn’t. To clarify this, here are definitions of assertive, aggressive, and passive behaviors.

• Assertive behavior expresses thoughts, emotions, opinions, and desires in ways that also recognize the rights of others. Those who use it believe in their own rights and accept that others have the same ones.    
• Aggressive behavior expresses thoughts, emotions, opinions, and desires in forceful ways that disregard the rights and worth of others. Those who use it believe their views are the only legitimate ones.
• Passive behavior does not express thoughts, emotions, opinions, and desires. Those who use it either believe they are less worthy or that it isn’t safe to be assertive.

 Nonassertive and Assertive Beliefs

Beliefs that lead to passive or aggressive behavior block the use of assertive techniques. Content in  Partners’ Domination Beliefs named what permits aggression. Download Assertive Beliefs, for a list of beliefs that lead to non-assertive behavior, paired with ones that facilitate assertiveness.  

Assertive behavior may be blocked because we were taught that others’ rights or opinions should be placed above our own. Self-confidence promotes the belief we have the same rights as others. Thus, assertive work often happens alongside self-esteem work.

Beliefs that block confidence often begin with frequent criticism from family or significant others. Therefore, assertiveness also may involve facing fear about others’ reactions, in addition to family of origin work.    

Before we look at suggested steps toward belief change, here is a brief overview of skills.        

Benefits of Assertiveness Skills

Skills benefit you even if it’s not safe to use them with an abusive partner. The consequence of needing to repress your voice tends to affect other relationships; new tools increase confidence and lessens this tendency. Knowledge that distinguishes the difference between assertive and aggressive also helps you reject your partners’ inaccurate accusations of aggression.

I describe the skills only briefly here. Upcoming blogs will go into depth about the steps and when to use them. Cautions about their limited use with abusive partners will also be covered.

There are three basic groups:

Self-Defining Skills:

• Assertive requests  
• Assertive refusals   
• Expressing emotions
• Giving empathy

The use of these skills expresses our individuality. Asking for what we want and saying no are difficult for many if they’ve been taught to be submissive and do what others want.

Female socialization has more often emphasized expressing feelings and giving empathy than male. However, they should be seen as healthy skills for everyone to possess.   

Feedback Skills:

• Giving positive feedback
• Receiving positive feedback
• Giving negative feedback
• Receiving negative feedback

These skills permit constructive personal and work communication. Many see positive feedback is beneficial but shrink from the negative, often because they received aggression in response. Learning how to give negative feedback in productive ways with those who are safe frees us to be fully ourselves.     

Conflict-Handling Skills:

• Anger starvation
• Fessing-up
• Time out
• Broken record

Conflict in relationships is unavoidable because we’re human. Those who experience abuse often are nervous when problems or disagreements arise even in safe situations. These techniques promote constructive conflict management in non-abusive interactions.

Steps to Develop Assertive Beliefs

Use these steps to promote the belief you have the right to be assertive. Work on one belief at a time if there is more than one. There often is.

1. Read Assertive Beliefs and checkmark nonassertive beliefs you hold. Choose one and ask yourself what prevents letting go of it. To make progress, you must know why you fear change. Look deeply into where it started and give yourself empathy. Many find it helpful to write about this in a private journal (if you have a safe place to keep it.) Others prefer discussions with a friend, family member, therapist, or advocate.
2. When ready, work with the assertive belief you chose. Write it on a sheet of paper, then listen for any internal argument or discomfort and write that on the reverse side of the paper. Return to the first side and write the belief again and write your reactions. Continue this ten times and notice any difference in how you feel. This helps desensitize yourself to the new belief. Change takes time so repeat as necessary.  
3. Tell a friend you want to work on your right to be assertive and ask if they would help. Many find agreeable friends, and sometimes they also have beliefs they want to work on. Have the friend say the assertive belief, but substitute “you” for “I.” For instance, if you want to stop rejecting compliments, they will say, “You have the right to accept compliments; acceptance does not mean you think you’re better than others.” Ask your friend to remind you gently if you slip into nonassertive behavior.  

Progress

New beliefs are like new habits. They take time to change, so don’t be discouraged by that. Brain science indicates new brain patterns form with practice. Repetition brings change.

When we make progress, we often find that stressful situations cause us to revert to old beliefs and behavior. This is normal and not a reason for hopelessness. Remind yourself of the assertive belief as soon as you notice this has happened. 

Patience and encouragement are important gifts to give yourself. You probably see them as valuable for your friends, so why not for you? Give yourself the advice you would give them.