RELATIONSHIP RECOVERY AFTER BETRAYAL

Relationship recovery takes time when there has been betrayal. Sometimes relationships never recover. Other times, the emotional investment is such that people want to grow together rather than separate. There is no “one size fits all” prescription here; each person has to decide what is best. Recovery together or apart requires accountability, ability to look at one’s self, a willingness to let go and forgive if staying together, or a willingness to rebuild trust in yourself and others if the relationship doesn’t continue.

Accountability

Relationship recovery after betrayal requires meaningful change. A primary element is acknowledgement of the betrayal. Accountability means those who harmed take responsibility for any acts or words that inflicted pain. One should never tell a partner to “just get over it.” Uttering these words is a huge roadblock to relationship recovery.

Each person should devote attention to the lessons they learned from their relationship crisis. Ask questions such as, “What have I learned from this experience?” “If I had it to do over, what would I do differently?” “How has this changed me for the good?” Even the person who felt wronged often finds that a crisis provides huge growing opportunities. It isn’t the way one would prefer to grow, but painful circumstances often open doors for us.

The healing process is a bumpy one. There will be many times when something reminds a partner of the betrayal. A place, a person, a date, an object, an experience. The person who betrayed needs to acknowledge the pain as many times as it takes. An interaction might sound something like this:

There needs to be a willingness to acknowledge the pain each time it comes up. By doing so, the ability to let go is actually enhanced. Acknowledgment builds trust and demonstrates that there is a depth of love that supports understanding. Interestingly, refusing to talk about it ever again means it is never really over for your partner.

Guidelines for Forgiveness

Relationship recovery also requires a willingness to forgive. Forgiveness is a process. It starts with a resolution to fore-go dwelling on the hurt or betrayal. As mentioned above, painful reminders will occur. After acknowledging them, it is important to consciously refuse to keep thinking about it.

The letting go process goes hand in hand with rebuilding trust.Your relationship is much more than the crisis that occurred or you wouldn’t still choose to be together. Sometimes you will have to remind yourself “this is now, it’s not the same as back then.”

Dwelling may look like constant rumination or thinking about it. It is human for you to remember the betrayal, but healing means not intentionally revisiting or reliving the pain over and over. This is different from acknowledging when you’ve been reminded of the hurt. Another sign of dwelling could be looking to your partner for constant reassurance.

If issues such as these are interfering with healing, it could indicate that couples or individual therapy would be helpful. Alternatively, it could be a sign that staying together just doesn’t work for you.

When Leaving is the Solution

Sometimes relationship recovery is not possible. A healing process still needs to occur. If you are the person who hurt or betrayed, your healing involves acknowledgement of what you did, identifying what you’ve learned, and forgiving yourself. If you’re either stuck in denial or in guilt, find a therapist who can help you move forward.

For those who were betrayed, growth also comes from looking at lessons learned. In addition, there may be the need to rebuild trust in yourself and become willing to trust others in the future.

Trusting others always starts with trusting ourselves to be our own best advocate and protector. If you don’t believe that is true for you, you may want to work on your self-esteem, boundaries, and assertiveness.