REFLECTIONS ON TRUST
Trust that has been broken in a relationship is like trying to drive a car without wheels. It won’t take you to where you want to go.
Self-trust
The basic foundation of an ability to trust others lies in trusting ourselves. This involves relying on our perceptions and intuitions. We pay attention if something does not feel right, even if we don’t know exactly why. We make discernment our superpower.
Confidence in ourselves is an important ally to self-trust. The kind that makes us sure that no matter what happens, we’ll be okay. Yes, we will feel tough emotions. But we know deep down we’ll come through it.
When trust in ourselves is damaged, we may either trust without discernment or hold back from trusting at all.
Betrayal
“Betrayal is so painful because, at its core, it is a violation of trust. It happens in relationships in which trust is expected and assumed, so when it’s violated, we’re often shocked, and we can struggle to believe what’s happening. It can feel as if the ground beneath us has given way.” Brenè Brown, Atlas of the Heart[i]
Self-trust is often a casualty of the betrayal felt when partners abuse. Survivors often blame themselves for not seeing signs earlier and say, “I allowed the abuse.” This quote from my book Coercive Relationships addresses this.
“We do not ‘allow’ them to abuse. That would mean we gave our permission. They do not have ‘controller’ written on their foreheads, and they are often good at disguising it early in relationships. . . Asking this doesn’t recognize all the ways we’ve tried to avoid and prevent it.”[ii]
Loving someone includes being tolerant and giving them chances, but this becomes an Achilles heel with coercive partners. They take advantage of this strength and the love and trust we place in them.
Friendship and intimate relationship betrayals are painful. They can affect our willingness to trust again, sometimes even with those who demonstrate trustworthiness. When our reaction to betrayal is to trust no one. (or sometimes it’s one gender), this results in either an avoidance of relationships or irrational jealousy.
Another outcome of betrayal can be trusting others more than ourselves and not having good boundaries. This usually starts at a young age, when we’re most vulnerable. Violation of boundaries teaches children they do not have the right to set limits. This may even result in not knowing what healthy boundaries look like. As adults, they may continue to place more trust in others than in themselves. This leads to ignoring red flags or not seeing them at all. By downplaying their own perceptions, they give others more chances than they deserve.
Some families respond to children in ways that encourage not trusting themselves. Examples are saying, “you don’t feel X,” “you’re crazy,” and many variations on this. Parents may have good intentions, but children learn they shouldn’t trust their own feelings and perceptions. This impedes the development of a mature ability to evaluate others’ opinions as well as their own. Adults can teach children to examine their perceptions and feelings without damaging their innate self-trust.
Trustworthiness Signs
All relationships have differences of opinion. How conflicts are handled shows whether a person can be trusted to value our best interests even when there are disagreements. Respecting boundaries is an essential part of building healthy trust.
Trusting ourselves always includes setting boundaries and limits. Boundaries help us define who we are and what we stand for. They allow us to negotiate differences.
Setting healthy boundaries is facilitated by knowing what trustworthiness looks like. The answers to these questions will show whether someone is trustworthy.
- Do they talk over misunderstandings and conflicts?
- Do they follow through with promises and commitments or demonstrate regret when they do not?
- Do they show respect for your boundaries, feelings, and opinions?
- Are they honest with others?
- If they confessed dishonesty or unfaithfulness in previous relationships, do they show remorse, insight, and signs of change?
The last question requires discernment. It’s a good beginning when they acknowledge past mistakes and it’s natural for you to be alert about it. Those who are not seriously working on dishonesty cannot keep up a façade for long.
Signs of Accountability
When someone violates trust with us, they can choose to be accountable and make changes. Signs of sincere effort include a willingness to:
- Talk about violations and hold themselves accountable
- Understand it takes time and behavior change before you can trust again
- Be open and transparent about their behavior that has been deceptive in the past
- Hear you express the hurt and anger you experienced
- Back up verbal commitments with behavior change
- Acknowledge if they regress
Those who expect “forgive and get over it” right away are weak on accountability.
Know When To Let Go
We know trust is rebuilt when we feel understood, and we see growth in our relationships. Some relationships become stronger.
However, sometimes it’s impossible to heal the relationship. There has been too much damage. It isn’t healthy to stay when hurt and resentment fester. Do an honest assessment and know that ending a relationship does not represent your failure. When relationships cannot be salvaged, it is natural to grieve.
Value your strength in opening yourself to love, which always includes the risk of hurt. Over time, you will become aware of ways you’ve grown. Greater awareness of red flags and of what to look for in relationships are often examples.
The most important gift any of us can reap is that of greater trust in ourselves.
[i] Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience (New York: Random House, 2021)
[ii] Jennifer Parker, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek (Black Rose Writing, 2021)
