Partners’ Accountability
When you’ve been harmed by an intimate partner, you want them to be accountable for their behavior. You may spend a lot of time asking for this. It’s hard to believe that a loved one can risk the relationship rather than take responsibility for what they’ve done and seek to make changes. When they say through words or actions that they aren’t going to change, it’s important to believe them and decide what to do given that.
You may be confused about who is responsible and assume you must have deserved it. It’s healthy to be willing to look at your selves and whether your play a part. However, coercive controllers use this strength against their victims. If you hear repeatedly that you caused them to be aggressive, this warps your trust in yourself. Mind games that twist what you’ve said or done create confusion.
Therefore, it’s importnat to be clear about what you’re responsible for and what doesn’t belong to you. None of us are perfect. However, abusers jump on any imperfections and use them to justify their behavior. Your partner is fully responsible for how they choose to treat you. “Choose” is a key word.
Everyone chooses how to respond to what they experience.
As entitled and omnipotent as partners act, it’s interesting how powerless they say they are when it comes to how they treat you. “You made me do it” after all really is saying they don’t have any power to do otherwise; they are a puppet on a string to your behavior. Seems ridiculous when you look at it this way.
Let’s define accountability, so that we’re clear about what that is. Creative Interventions: Resources for Everyday People to End Violence[i] defines accountability as the choice to recognize inappropriate behavior and take responsibility for it by listening, learning, and changing even when the harm has been unintentional. How refreshing and welcome this would be to many of you who only hear excuses, justification, and minimizing.
It’s understandable that you wrestle with whether to maintain relationships with partners once you’ve identified abuse or coercive control as being the problem. It’s difficult to call them on it because they are people you care about, who have done nice things for you, who share common dreams, and who are often seen as respectable by others. Deciding whether to continue should be based on discernment about whether it’s safe for you, physically and emotionally.
This leads to the question:
How do you know whether your partner is being accountable?
Creative Interventions recommends a formula of listening, learning, and changing by:
- Communicating an understanding of and repairing of harm,
- Committing to equal sharing of power, and
- Demonstrating safety and mutual respect.”[ii]
In order to know whether your partner is being accountable, Creative Interventions’ Staircase of Accountability[iii] identifies what to look for. Partners who are accountable:
- Stop the violence
- Recognize the violence
- Recognize the consequences without excuses, even if unintended
- Make repairs for the harm
- Change harmful attitudes and behaviors so that it isn’t repeated
- Become a healthy member of the community
These steps show how to know when partners are being accountable. Some choose to grow and change. Others refuse that opportunity. Those who continue coercive control methods cannot justifiably expect you to “forgive and forget.” Ignoring what continues to happen would not be respecting your needs for safety and dignity. Peace in the relationship comes when there is kindness and respect.
Those who want help in learning how to be accountable can contact the following programs for coercive controllers:
- Alternatives to Aggression, Family Services 608-252-1320 www.fsmad.org
- Alternatives and Treatment for Abusive Men (ATAM), Midwest Center for Human Services 608-233-3300, ext. 229 http://www.mchumanservices.org
- Motivating Effective Non‐Violence (MEN’S), Lake City Counseling, LLC (608) 661‐2829 http://www.lakecitycounseling.com
[i] Creative Interventions www.creative-interventions.org, Toolkit Taking Accountability: How Do We Change Violence?
[ii] Ibid.
[iii] Ibid.
