Going Beyond Fear of What We Don’t Know

I don’t know everything. We can’t know everything. Oddly though, many times we feel bad about ourselves for this. We may freak out and think we’re deficient. We also may hold ourselves back from our goals until that mythical day when we know.

Speaking in public used to terrify me because of my misguided perception that success was knowing everything and performing perfectly. When I let go of these two unreasonable expectations, I am more real and vulnerable with my audience, and much more effective at communicating what I know. Not to mention relaxed.

Acknowledging what we don’t know represents strength when we use our curiosity and “inner scientist” to learn about it (more about that later). Coercive Relationships: Find The Answers You Seek, is not the be-all end-all of knowledge about intimate partner abuse. My expectation is that it stimulates everyone who reads it in developing freedom from domination, whether that is in a relationship or another context. I look forward to the book igniting new learning for me. Thank you for your  comments and conversations; they encourage that process.    

Why Am I Talking About This Here?

Survivors struggle with knowing what to do. “Do I stay or do I go?” kinds of questions. Each person has their own complicated situation. Love for partners along with the confusion of their abusive behaviors makes it difficult to contemplate what is best.  

Survivors who feel overwhelmed assume they can’t handle changes they want. They may not realize that everyone feels anxiety or even fear when they start out and aren’t sure how to accomplish their goals. Thinking everything has to be planned down to the last detail holds them back because it feels impossible to do. That expectation is impossible. Especially if they’re in the midst of ongoing abuse and emotional injury.

On top of that, survivors often blame themselves for their abuse, partly because other people ask why they stay. They sometimes wonder why they “allowed” abuse. This can’t be repeated too often to survivors: You do not give your permission for abuse, so you do not allow it. Your partner made a choice to harm you.

I know recognizing the truth of that last sentence hurts. The length of time in an abusive relationship has nothing to do with allowing it to happen. A professor[i] in grad school told me, “You can’t know what you don’t know.” Simple but we all sometimes fall into expecting that anyway.  Survivors often do not realize how the coercive control injures them and makes it more difficult to leave. Abusive partners employ the same kinds of tactics that keep prisoners of war in line. Their wounds to our psyches along with safety concerns are huge inhibitions to leaving, even when there aren’t financial hardships or other vulnerabilities.

This is my suggestion to survivors: Instead of beating yourself up over what you didn’t know earlier, feel proud of what you’ve learned and changed. Give yourself credit for the courage of being open to new knowledge. 

How Can “Not Knowing” Empower Us?

Seeing “not knowing” as a strength involves shifting our attitudes. Adam Grant[ii] talks about one type of shift, that of being open and curious to what we don’t know. Instead of defensive or shameful about it. As if not knowing everything reflects badly on us.

We are never done learning. When we hold too tight to a plan, we are not open to new information, ideas, or opinions, which shuts down the ability to be flexible and grow. That doesn’t mean we accept everything we hear. Instead, we examine and give information the chance to stimulate our thoughts and plans. We harness our creative minds instead of adhering to rigidity. 

My point isn’t just about flexibility, however. Grant encourages seeing “not knowing” as a beginning for being curious and seeking to learn more. He calls it “thinking like a scientist.” Many survivors already use this strength, though they don’t call it that. When we relate to “not knowing” in this way, it connects us with new knowledge that fosters communication and collaboration.  

What Does Thinking Like a Scientist Look Like?

I listened to a presentation by Nancy Giordano recently showing the fallacy of rigid plans. Her book[iii] on visionary leaders talks about “being prepared, not planned.” This applies just as well to individuals. Many times, we cannot completely plan what we want to do. When we have more information, we come up with options. I’m not saying that they aren’t important, but life often throws kinks into the best-laid plans. Being prepared means we can be more flexible, tweaking them when necessary.   

These are some ways survivors think like a scientist and prepare. If you are a survivor, use them to recognize what you’re doing or to set goals.  

• Reflect on what you want. In Coercive Relationships, I explain the importance of dormancy. It takes time to process your experiences. To grieve. To identify what you want. When you live with abuse, reflection is a precious resource you rarely have. Constant chaos and the need to stay safe interferes. Finding even small amounts of time to yourself gives time to think.

• Talk to supportive family and/or friends. Feeling heard and supported in our decisions makes a big difference. We really are stronger when we’re part of a village. Not only do we gain from their encouragement, we reap benefits from a broader knowledge of resources and options.

• Search for community resources. Local domestic abuse programs assist in many ways. They have a finger on all the resources that exist, and they have advocates and groups that help with safety planning and support. Very important to know you’re not alone.

• Research books and online communities. This is especially vital if you’re isolated or living in a rural community. The information you learn encourages and enriches your decision-making. Remember to keep internet searches private from your partner.

• Consult an attorney. This helps you know what is involved as you consider whether leaving is right for you. Many attorneys give one free consultation. Domestic abuse agencies often have legal advocates who cannot give legal advice, but they help in understanding the divorce or legal process. Sometimes they can accompany you to hearings as moral support.

• Engage in therapy. Look for a therapist who understands the difficulties of intimate partner abuse and works with your roadblocks or vulnerabilities.  

Taking Credit

It takes a lot of courage, energy, and perseverance to extract yourself from an abusive relationship or ask for change from partners. Coercive control can make it seem impossible. I want survivors to feel understood and honored for what they’ve accomplished. Receiving recognition instead of stigma goes a long way toward supporting and encouraging freedom from domination.

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[i] Tribute to Diane Kravetz, retired professor of Social Work at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

[ii] Adam Grant, Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know (New York: Viking, 2021)

[iii] Nancy Giordano, Leadering: The Ways Visionary Leaders Play Bigger (PBI Publishing, 2021)