TELL SOMEONE ABOUT ABUSE

Deciding to tell someone about abuse by a partner is difficult. Many survivors feel embarrassed and anxious about how someone will respond. They may worry they won’t be believed, and unfortunately, this is sometimes the case.

If close friends, family, or professionals disregard or downplay what you tell them, emotions run the gamut of disappointment, frustration, hurt, shock, betrayal, and outrage—and maybe all of these. Unfortunately, individuals and society in general often disbelieve victims. It’s not the subject of this article, but Why They Try to Fix You touches on this.

Do not allow anxiety to interfere with gaining the support you need. The following gives guidance in how to tell someone about abuse. It also bolsters you in not taking personally anyone’s lack of support or disbelief if that occurs.   

Guidelines for Disclosing Abuse

Prepare

Preparation begins with seeing telling as testing the waters. Decide to start small instead of the whole story. View how the person responds to this initial test as being about them and their level of understanding, not anything about you or your perceptions.

Be thoughtful about who you tell. Consider who is capable of empathy and encouragement in your circle. Anyone who has expressed concern may be a good choice. Do not tell anyone who showed disrespect or insensitivity to you in the past.  

Before sharing, begin with this mindset:

• Breathe and center yourself with whatever works best for you. You can find examples in Emotional Grounding.
• See taking the risk to find those who are capable of support as a sign of strength.
• Remind yourself their response is not about you or your credibility. You will be okay either way.
• Take for granted that the information you give will be hard for listeners to digest at first.
• Be curious about how they will respond.
• Make plan B for taking care of yourself if their response is not helpful.  

Beginning with this mindset keeps you from banking your mental wellbeing on their response. If you’re disappointed, use your plan B and decide on another person to tell. If you receive support, hurray!     

Ask Questions

Use your judgment about this; do not use it with anyone who has given an aggressive response.    

If you tell someone about abuse and their response is disappointing, ask for more information. Why do this?

The automatic reaction to hearing something challenging tends to be shock or surprise. We all have a bias for our previous beliefs. People often need time to consider new information, especially if it is shocking to them. They must switch gears mentally. The initial reaction may feel like they don’t believe you, even with a supportive person. The mental gearshift usually happens in seconds or minutes, not days or weeks.  

While it is normal to feel let down by anything less than immediate support, exploring their reasoning makes space for them to readjust their views.

If their initial reaction isn’t support, these are possible questions:

• What makes it hard for you to believe me?
• If you know the person witnessed abuse in the past: What did you think about how my partner acted? How would you label it?
• Do you really think I would lie about this?

These types of questions often result in rethinking. They may not have viewed their response as not believing you. They may not call what they witnessed abuse. You may find those you confide in go through a similar process you did to figure out your partner’s behavior.

At the least, they will give you more information about what they think so you can judge whether they are open to believing and supporting you.

Express Your Feelings

If the person is important to you and their response is not toxic, you could express how you feel and offer them information about abuse. However, do not waste your energy if they are not open.   

Examples:

• “I feel surprised that you doubt what I said, but I also know it’s been hard for me to believe. Loving them made it hard to recognize. Would you be interested in reading a (book, article, blog) that has been helpful to me in learning about abuse and how it affects people?”
• “I know you are surprised about what I said about my partner, but are you open to understanding what I experience?”

If they are not interested, minimize your contact with them when it comes to personal matters. Do not take their disbelief personally, give up on telling others, or doubt your perceptions.

Seek Allies Who Support You

Above, all, do not let lack of support from one person stop you from sharing your experience with others. We all need social support and encouragement. We also benefit from constructive feedback and suggestions.

If you lost touch with friends or family because of an abusive partner, consider reconnecting. They often open their arms when they learn why you disappeared.

Reach out to groups, organizations, or people who interest you. While it usually takes time before you’re willing to share personal things, it lessens your isolation. However, survivor groups in domestic abuse agencies provide immediate support and understanding.  

If you live with an abusive partner, it is often difficult or impossible to seek allies because they block your attempts. Consider finding a therapist. Regular medical appointments can also be a way to disguise seeking help. Many medical professionals are trained in knowing what resources are available in your community. Do not give up if you don’t receive the support you deserve; look for another practitioner.  

Domesticshelters.org is a great way to find a local program to serve you. In addition, they have many online resources. Caution: protect your searches or go to a library or other location to access a computer.

Tell Someone About Abuse Summary

While it is challenging to tell someone about abuse, you deserve to receive support. Begin by assessing who in your circle might be open and being curious about their response. Give yourself credit for your courage and continue reaching out until you’ve built the supportive circle of friends and helpers you want. You deserve love, respect, and support.

“Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek” provides more information that empowers and encourages you.