Allies for Survivors

Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls. A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot. It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes. But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy.  Doris Schwerin

Allies are the first pearl in the necklace of insight, hope, and healing. Victims know the difference between an ally and someone who has an agenda. Families and friends may be unsure how best to show their support. This blog validates what many victims find helpful, though I’m sure it’s not exhaustive. My aim is also to provide guideposts for those who want to be allies.

What Support Looks Like

An ally is someone who gives support without judgment or pressure. Support looks like any of these:

• Listening to survivors without telling them what to do
• Telling them they do not deserve to be hurt
• Saying you are there for them
• Expressing interest in their feelings and activities
• Asking what they need
• If they ask for help
  • Giving information about safety planning
  • Handing them a brochure or card for a helping agency
  • Referring them to a helping professional

Breaking Isolation

If you are the pearl that breaks their isolation, this is a precious gift. Allies listen and are curious. Never underestimate the importance of feeling heard. Listening creates the space for victims to think out loud. To reflect and question. They can’t do that around their partners because of tension and abuse. Survivors often feel invisible and like they don’t matter. Listening and showing you care counters that abusive message. Your presence provides a strong thread on which survivors can string, one step at a time, their chosen pearls of change.

Allies also provide non-abusive points of view. Those who abuse devalue and negate survivors’ perceptions, undermining their trust in themselves. Giving information without pressure allows space for survivors to process and decide what they want to do. Do not be discouraged if the person does not pursue resources immediately. They know what is right for them, what they are ready for, and most important, what is safe. Allies show the doors of support, and survivors remember and reach out to them when it’s time.

The Change Process

Time. Many friends and family worry about the factor of time. They feel afraid for survivors, and this can lead them to be more directive than is helpful. Allies respect that decisions are best made by survivors. Understanding change steps can increase their patience.

Change is a process that involves thinking and reflecting. It is slow work, especially when survivors are in the midst of constant abuse and chaos. But it’s the path to discovering and owning their lives. Prochaska’s stages of change and what they look like for survivors:

• Pre-contemplation: feeling confused and trying to please the abuser;
• Contemplation: identifying that abuse is occurring, processing emotions, setting limits and goals;
• Preparation: planning and readying themselves;  
• Action: taking the actions that achieve their goals;
• Maintenance: maintaining changes and acclimating to new lives. 

Allies best help when they support where survivors are on this change continuum. It does not help to rush people into a different stage.

Making a Difference

Being an ally can be tough. It requires not pushing an agenda regarding the relationship continuing. This doesn’t mean you can’t express your fear or concern. It involves showing empathy and caring but not imposing values or opinions. Instead, ask questions about how they are and what they want. Refrain from using “should” and “must.” It does not empower those we care about when we tell them what to do or are critical when they don’t do what we think they should. None of us knows fully what is best for another. 

_{Empowering someone is giving them the tools to figure it out for themselves and respecting their timing.}

Survivors always remember those people who reached out to them, even if they don’t respond or express appreciation. That is important for doctors, nurses, social workers, and other helpers to remember as well. We rarely know the difference we make in another person’s life.    

Survivors want to be free of abuse and to heal. Figuring that out is a process. Being an ally needs to be centered on their circumstances. That means respecting that they will find their answers when they have support, time, and resources.

Resources

Domestic Abuse Intervention Services is a Madison WI. agency that assists survivors and those who are concerned for them. http://www.abuseintervention.org

A national hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ or tel:1.800.799.7233 or TTY tel:1.800.799.7233

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence provides a safety planning guide and other resources. https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan