GASLIGHT SECURITY BEGINS WITH SOCIAL, GROUNDING, AND BOUNDARY SUPPORTS

Gaslight security begins with recognizing it. Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting:

“psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.” It causes confusion, loss of self-esteem, and uncertainty of one’s mental stability.”

Gaslighting may seem easy to identify but it is not, particularly within an intimate relationship. Since you are human and make mistakes as we all do, you may take seriously what a partner says about you. Especially since you do not expect a partner to lie or twist reality when you begin the relationship.  

Gaslighting makes you question your memory or perception. Examples:

• I didn’t slap you; you’re making it up.
• You didn’t tell me you were going out tonight. I have plans.
• You’re much too sensitive; I was just trying to help you.
• That wasn’t what we agreed to; what’s wrong with your memory?  
• If you leave me, the children will hate you.
• After you complain about their hurtful remark, they say “Can’t you take a joke?”

The Coercive Control Checklist has more examples of gaslighting behavior,particularly in the sections entitled “Bricks of Self-doubt” and “Bricks of Negation.”

The first step in gaslight security is to acknowledge that what your partner says about you and your abilities cannot be trusted. That it’s necessary to carefully examine what they say. This is hard to accept and carries the heavy weight of grief.

If you have trouble determining whether your perception can be trusted over your partner’s, seek out a trusted friend or therapist who can explore this with you.

Crazy-making Consequences

Gaslighting behavior is often described as crazy making because it destroys your trust in yourself, step by step.

• First, you begin to question your reality: Did I say or do this? Is my memory correct? I think I did, but what if I’m wrong?
• Next, you give your partner the benefit of the doubt: Well, why would they say this if it isn’t true? This slips right into doubting yourself.
• Finally, you automatically give up your perception in favor of what they say, and you feel lousy about yourself. A little crazy even.

You’re more vulnerable to gaslighting in a love relationship because you want to be sensitive to what your partner says. When they are willing to manipulate your self-image for their purposes, this is abuse. Sometimes their motive is to get what they want or not be held accountable. Sometimes it’s because they feel threatened by your confidence. Whatever the reason, gaslighting is a method of coercive control.

Build Your Immunity to Gaslighting

Gaslight security builds back your confidence in yourself and prevents self-doubt from continuing. Using it does not mean you won’t be able to acknowledge when you do make a mistake, do not hear, forget something, or misperceive the situation. Let’s look at gaslight security using things that support your physical immune system.  

Healthy Food = Social Support 

Relationships are important for good mental and physical health. When you cannot trust what your partner says, you need backup partners—friends, family, or professionals—who give accurate feedback. Allies who believe and understand gaslighting offer great protection. You can also build up your ability to detect it by reading articles such as this one.

Rest = Grounding Support

Gaslighting interferes with trusting yourself by fueling questioning and self-doubt. Pause and create space so you can access what you really think, remember, and perceive. If you draw a blank on how to do this, you will find suggestions in this Grounding Yourself article. The important thing is to find what helps you to check in with yourself.   

Inoculation = Boundary Support

To stop taking gaslighting as the truth, you must develop an internal boundary that blocks it. Imagery is often helpful. The following are examples of imagery that strengthens your ability to set boundaries. Try visualizing:

• A box that you put your partner’s comments into so you can evaluate alone or with someone later. Identify what the box is made of.
• Gaslighting sliding off your back like water on a duck’s back because your “feathers” make you buoyant and you can’t be pulled under.
• Your partner’s words appearing on a computer screen so you can see the abuse and name what they’re trying to do.   
• Invisible armor with a trap door that only you operate that keeps you from believing gaslighting.
• A protective cocoon that shields you from gaslighting.  

Use one of these or come up with something better for you. Practice visualizing your imagery so it becomes easier to access when you need it. For situations in which you can predict it will be useful, go into them visualizing the boundary. The more you use it, the more immune you become to their gaslighting. The goal is reducing your confusion and inappropriate self-blame. This does not mean gaslighting shouldn’t bother you.  

Summary

Gaslight security begins when you identify it. Your immunity builds when you have support from allies, space to consider and evaluate what you experience, and ways to keep yourself from absorbing the “germs” of manipulation. The pain of a partner gaslighting you will still be there, but you will know what it is and be in a better position to make decisions.