Why Do They Try to Fix Me?
A member of the Women’s Voices group posed this question. Her family and friends either criticized what she was doing or went into fix-it mode whenever she confided in them. All she needed was to be listened to, empathized with, and encouraged. We had a discussion in group, and I promised to write a blog on the subject as well.
Males have traditionally been socialized that their role is to fix; they aren’t as good at empathy, listening, and encouraging. This isn’t true of all men, and it is a frequent complaint in couples therapy regardless of gender. Women and non-gender conforming are not immune to this.
A common reason we humans think we need to give solutions lies in our own uncomfortable feelings when we listen. Friends and family are not the only ones who feel pulled to tell you what to do. I sometimes feel drawn to this but have trained myself not to respond. What I’m feeling during a session is often a good guide to what my client feels. I may feel helpless when a client talks about what’s happened to them, and I know this mirrors their sense of helplessness. Learning to sit with fear and discomfort while being empathetic and supportive of client self-determination can be difficult. Professionals are trained to do this, but we’re all human and sometimes we make the “telling mistake” too, meaning we tell you what to do. One common instance of this is being told you should leave. This is often done without considering the dangers or whether you are ready for it. Expressing concern about safety and talking about options so you can choose how to respond better empowers you.
Social work research indicates that best practice provides the conditions for clients to take control of their own lives and make decisions for themselves. When someone tells you what to do, it delivers an unintended message, whether it’s a professional or family and friends. It feels like they aren’t trusting your ability to decide for yourself.
Many survivors also encounter disbelief and minimization. This feels both shocking and painful. I recently found a pithy truth relating to this in my fiction reading, The Xenocide by Orson Scott Card.
“People really only believe in what they’ve seen before.”
How true this is. Social scientists indicate that we unconsciously look and listen to confirm what we already think or believe. Annie Duke writes that we frequently form beliefs without vetting them and continue to believe them even when we receive corrections.[i] These propensities can interfere with you being heard when your experiences are different from others’ preconceived opinions.
Another issue lies in how people perceive those who have been victimized. Malcolm Gladwell in The Tipping Point[ii] says there is a blind spot in how we process information called the Fundamental Attribution Error. This describes a mistake people make in overestimating the importance of character traits over context. When people know about abuse, they assume this means the victim is always helpless. They don’t recognize that you respond differently to an abusive person than you do in other situations. This explains why they may relate to you as if you aren’t capable of making choices on your own.
I also believe that when people don’t believe victims’ stories, sometimes it’s because you are so articulate and assertive with them. This difficulty in recognizing both victimization and strengths is attributed to a “reducing valve” by Walter Mischel.[iii] When we see one pattern of behavior, such as submission, we have trouble giving credence to other behaviors, such as independence and competence, or vice versa.
The July 2011 report “Creating Safety by Asking ‘What Makes People Vulnerable?’”[iv] speaks of the culture of compliance with disabled people, but I believe this applies to able-bodied victims as well. Compliance becomes a survival strategy in coercively controlling relationships. However, it increases vulnerability to other victimizations. Your coping strategy can lead you to be compliant with other people even when it’s not in your best interests.
However, the catch 22 sometimes with helpers is they expect those seeking help will be compliant, accepting their direction without listening to what their thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants are. Therefore, if you don’t accept their direction, you are seen as resistant rather than competent to decide what’s best.
The report also identifies another reason people don’t believe victims: a failure to imagine.
“If we can’t imagine that these things are happening, then we can’t create more safety.”
Those whose experiences haven’t included victimization have trouble conceiving that perpetrators behave the way they do. Especially if they’ve seemed charming or rational to them. They may also have difficulty understanding victims’ behavior if they don’t recognize that brains wired with pain and trauma respond differently than those wired with love and safety. Trauma symptoms interfere with an ability to articulate and focus, for instance. On the other hand, those with trauma experiences of their own may fall into the delusion that their solution must also be yours. The report summarizes that,
“When we draw conclusions based only on our own points of view, we are missing significant parts of (their) story.”[v]
When you seek help, sometimes you may ask what you should do. I believe it’s a disservice to give you advice that is directive. What you really want are new perspectives, tools, and support in figuring that out for yourself. Therapy provides perspective and skills so that you can create the life you want.
[i] Duke, Annie. Why Your Brain Clings to False Beliefs (Even When It Knows Better) 02/11/18 https://www.fastcompany.com/40528587/why-your-brain-clings-to-false-beliefs-even-when-it-knows-better
[ii] Gladwell, Malcolm. The Tipping Point. New York: Back Bay Books/Little Brown & Company, 2000.
[iii] Ibid.
[iv] Creating Safety by Asking “What makes People Vulnerable?” Developed through Wisconsin’s Violence Against Women with Disabilities and Deaf Women Project: Disability Rights Wisconsin, Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault, July 2011.
[v] Ibid.
