A TOOLKIT FOR RESPONDING TO COERCIVE CONTROL
During a divorce, survivors often react to “the same old crap” that caused them to leave. They feel frustrated and confused about how to respond. They also may fear how Family Court Services (FCS) will view their behavior. Attorney Holly Slota addressed this during our interview: (link past blog?)
Clients often have trouble not reacting when their spouses push their buttons. I encourage them to learn not to engage with their spouse. Having a good support system is critical. It is helpful for clients to work with therapists or coaches in preparing for court or FCS studies and as a support system to help them navigate a difficult divorce case.
After survivors learn the tactics of coercion and attend to their injuries, they can focus on how to respond in ways that empower them and disempower the controller. They do this by learning how to keep abusers’ blame, negation, and gaslighting from having power over them.
Let’s open the empowerment toolbox.
Tool 1: Limit Access
Constant harassment or gaslighting creates confusion and self-doubt. Limiting controllers’ access gives survivors the mental space they need to protect and heal themselves.
Set up child exchanges in public places or have a friend or relative be present or perform the exchange. This prevents coercers from using visits as opportunities to assault, verbally or physically.
Communication with controllers should be written as much as possible. Survivors then can choose how and when to respond. Ideas that keep harassment from commanding attention constantly:
- Give them a new email address so that their communication does not show up with other email, and then block them on your usual email.
- With Gmail addresses, it is possible to direct their email to go into a separate folder.
- Stop notifications for text messages if blocking isn’t an option.
Set specific times to read their email. Besides limiting access, written communication serves as concrete evidence of what controllers say. FCS often uses My Family Wizard app to oversee communications, an excellent way to both limit access and document.
If controllers violate boundaries with harassing email or texts, temporary blocks can be created or one can stop notifications. Restraining or protective orders when there is sufficient documentation can be a last resort.
Tool 2: Pause to Center
When there has to be contact, survivors often feel anxious and react as they did in the past, by being submissive, defensive, freezing, or placating. These interfere with assertiveness. Pausing allows time to center and recall inspiration, wisdom, and newer coping techniques.
The simple act of taking a deep breath helps. Survivors also find strategies such as yoga, exercise, journaling, talking it through with a friend or professional, prayer, and meditation useful in grounding themselves. Everyone has to find what works best for them.
Controllers expect immediate responses. Remember, everyone has the right to take time to think.
Tool 3: Response Preparation
Often, after centering, survivors can better choose how to respond, instead of reacting to pressure or triggers. Questions that are useful to answer:
- Do I need to respond?
- Do I need more information before responding?
- What is the best way for me to respond?
Tool 4: Respond Rather than Engage
Learning to respond rather than engage takes practice. Read books that teach how to communicate with difficult personalities. Bill Eddy’s BIFF provides a helpful tool:[i]
- Brief—Keep it short and to the point. Don’t explain and justify.
- Informative—Give only needed information.
- Friendly—Think of this as on the neutral side of friendly, not trying to be friends but not hostile.
- Firm—Stick to your perspective; don’t water it down with things like, “if it’s okay with you.”
For example, when a controller repeatedly wants to change visitation: “The court order states what the visitation is. I know the kids will be disappointed you won’t be available. Please let me know if your plans change.”
Additional Tips
Give yourself credit for changes you make.
However, expect coercers to say assertive responses are controlling and abusive. It’s a sign they believe they are entitled to control.
Ask trusted friends, family members, or professionals to review communication and help draft effective responses.
Ignore accusations that do not require a response. Ignoring is not giving controllers permission. It’s not giving them fuel.
Use humor with friends or family to predict their behavior. One survivor in the midst of a court battle called her ex’s behavior “gifts” because they proved her case.
Survivors with challenging relationships often benefit from seeing a therapist, advocate, or coach. Responding rather than engaging with controllers’ behavior requires support, practice, and patience.
A Survivor’s Success Story
A client whose manipulative ex-partner presented challenges recently summarized her journey. I asked permission to share her story to inspire others.
I learned to give myself grace and not think his behavior shouldn’t bother me. This was helpful but took time.
I wanted to be heard by my abuser. I gradually saw the outcome of trying to be heard and the outcome of being factual and taking the high road. No matter what someone else tells you or how many times, sometimes it’s a matter of having to muddle through it on your own and experience what it feels like. I had to hear things repetitively and learn to believe in them myself.
I had a support network that reminded me that I am strong and I’m not crazy.
One day I woke up and decided, “I’m sick of doing it this way. I’m done living in fear of what he will do.” I don’t know what got me to that point, a combination of reading, blogs, helping other survivors, and seeing what it’s like on both ends of it.
Another progress was not taking notes all the time about what he’s doing. I just needed sanity and had to trust I had enough documentation.
I stopped viewing him as a person who has power over me. When he undermines me with the kids, rather than saying to myself, “how dare you,” I say “same thing, different day.” I learned how to listen to and talk to the kids about their reactions to their dad. I realized I had no control over how he acted, no matter what I did and said. These were huge hurdles. It was a combination of a lot of moving pieces and time.
It helped to read others’ success stories: seeing everyone has their struggles, being inspired by what they get through.
Talking to my therapist and getting reassurance that I’m normal made me feel less alone. If the insurance company had said to stop, I wouldn’t have fared so well.
Thank you to this survivor for sharing her success story. Consider adding your own experiences or comments for others to benefit from.
iii BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People (Scottsdale, AZ: Unhooked Books, 2011. Also see other books by Eddy.
