EMOTIONAL ABUSE HEALING: SEE THE RED AND YELLOW LIGHTS

If you have (or left) a coercive relationship, you may wonder why you didn’t recognize the behavior sooner. Do not judge yourself harshly. Emotional abuse healing includes recognizing the signs earlier, and not blaming yourself for what they didn’t show you or you didn’t know.

All of us put our best foot forward when we meet people. Over time, we learn more about one another with all our quirks, strengths, and weaknesses. Therefore, it isn’t surprising when controllers don’t immediately show abusive behavior. We may wish abusers had labels on their foreheads, but people are not canned goods.

Discernment

“Predicting human behavior is really about recognizing the play from just a few lines of dialogue. It is about trusting that a character’s behavior will be consistent with his perception of the situation.” Gavin De Becker | The Gift of Fear

I put this quote in my book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek, to encourage survivors in trusting their instincts. To pay attention to signs of possible trouble.  

Giving the benefit of the doubt can be a strength. However, it can interfere with self-protection if not paired with an ability to evaluate and discern behavior. When there is clear evidence for concern, it is never appropriate. For instance, I’ve often heard the comment, “they seem so nice” in the same breath as describing behavior that is not okay with them. Do not let the appearance of “niceness” overcome your ability to observe and set limits. After all, con artists are charming or they would never get away with their cons.

Coercive controllers often display qualities we want in relationships and then revert to their true selves after they’re sure of emotional commitment. Observing and talking about concerns that you see is an important protective skill.     

This doesn’t require being suspicious or paranoid. It means trusting observations and drawing conclusions. Consider the whole person, not just the wonderful moments. It’s essential to remain loyal to what is important to you, instead of false hope eating away at it. Pay attention to whether their behavior is consistent with their words and promises.    

Emotional Abuse Healing Skills

“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.”
― Steve Maraboli | Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Answering these questions empowers you and increases your emotional abuse healing. Their answers offer clues about whether you are dealing with someone who is abusive. Proceed with caution and talk about it if you don’t like what you see. These questions are key to emotional abuse healing. They do not mean you aren’t able to trust, but that you are paying attention to whether someone deserves your trust.

Trust yourself. Don’t allow empathy for their feelings or a history of trauma to be override your feelings and concerns. Some behaviors are an automatic red light or deal-breaker. Others deserve a yellow light to take a closer look.

Personal Interactions

• Do they want to spend all their time with you, profess love before they know you well, go overboard in compliments or gifts (love-bombing), view time spent with others negatively?

This is a yellow light because these can be early signs of coercive control. Check them out and set limits. You may feel ambivalent because it feels good to be cared about, especially if you did not experience that in the past. Be careful that this positive behavior doesn’t stop you from setting limits or pursuing your interests. Love-bombing and jealousy are early signs of possessiveness when accompanied by lack of respect for your autonomy and wishes. Being loved should never come at the cost of independence and giving up other people or interests.

• When you voice a concern or question something, are you told you are too guarded, anxious, critical, suspicious, neurotic, or some other pejorative term? Do they focus on you having a problem instead of constructively talking about the issue?  

If your concerns, opinions, views are not legitimate now, do not expect this to improve. If you often doubt yourself, this is an Achilles heel. Controllers will use it to confuse you. A “yes” answer to this should be a red light.

• Do they spend time with friends and have healthy leisure activities?

Having other friends and healthy interests indicates they aren’t dependent on an intimate relationship to get all their needs met. This is a good thing. If you feel jealous about this, that’s an issue for you to look at.

• How do they express frustration or anger? How do they respond to disagreements?

If they respond to conflict in abusive ways with others, expect that it will eventually happen in your relationship. Can you discuss issues and differences respectfully with them? Pay attention to whether they respect your autonomy and uniqueness or whether they have a “live and let live” attitude toward personal preferences. Notice whether they acknowledge any issues they have and work toward change.   

Family, Other Relationships, and Mental Health/Addiction Issues

• What do you know about their family relationships?

Early childhood experiences shape us. Obviously, when you come from a healthy family, you have an advantage. Those with abusive backgrounds may be motivated not to repeat what they experienced. Or, they may copy what they received and dish it out to family members.

How they treat family and prior partners will be repeated with you. Pay attention to whether they are loving, kind, able to give the benefit of the doubt. Notice if they are open to feedback and strive to improve behavior others identify as an issue.  

• Do they spend a lot of time talking negatively about family members or past relationships?

This is different from sharing about past abuse. Observe the language they use, whether they are vengeful, and whether they tolerate feedback. Are they able to focus on their learning, how they’ve grown? Many have been taken in by horror stories about a past relationship, only to see another side to partners later.  

• If they have children, how do they discipline them?

Observe whether it is firm and kind or punitive and abusive. Are there unrealistic expectations? Do they take children’s misbehavior personally or react like a child instead of an adult when children need guidance?

• Do they often change jobs or quit without another job, giving reasons that seem flimsy?

This offers a clue to their stability. Frequent job changes often herald other issues, such as mental health or substance abuse problems, inability to work with others, or poor work habits.

• How do they talk about their work and colleagues?

Pay attention if they constantly blame or put down others. It could represent a bad work situation. However, it also could signal they have difficulties handling conflict and responsibility.

• Are there any signs of excessive alcohol or drug usage? Do they have mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety?

Notice whether they are in denial about how alcohol or drugs affect them. Do they blame other people or circumstances and think your love and support is a cure without doing their own hard work? Dependence on substances interferes with the capability for mutual relationships, which makes it a red light if they refuse to get help.

Mental health issues are not a red light unless they do not take responsibility for managing them. Do they blame their mood on you or others? Are symptoms interfering with functioning? Do they refuse to get help or learn how to manage their symptoms?

Taking Charge of Emotional Abuse Healing

If you only see green lights in all these areas, wonderful.

If you have concerns that are not clear red lights, view them as yellow lights and talk about them. Their response to this will help you gauge whether this relationship is healthy for you. If you give them the benefit of the doubt without investigating, you may be sorry later.

If you identify concerns and they ignore, minimize, deflect, or blame you, this is a red light. Seriously consider whether this relationship is in your best interests.

Learning to discern behavior by asking questions and setting limits enhances emotional abuse healing.

Comment on any coercive relationship signs you think are important so others can benefit.