ACCEPT WHAT YOU SEE TO REGAIN YOUR POWER

To regain your power in an abusive relationship, you must name what is happening and accept it. Accept what is. Despite how painful that is. Accepting does not mean you approve, agree, or are okay with it. It is also not forgetting or pretending the abuse didn’t occur.

Acceptance does involve giving up excuses for your partner’s behavior or trying to convince them to change. Firing yourself from the job of helping them is essential. Your responsibility is making it clear you want change. If they do not take charge of modifying their behavior, they will not be invested in following through with any helpful information you give them.  

Accepting the reality of your partner’s behavior may seem simple to someone who hasn’t experienced abuse. If you have, you know the difficulty in accepting that your partner is willing to hurt you. There are so many reasons for this, some of which are shared dreams, happy memories, and family connections. No one wants to believe someone they love won’t value those enough to change. The hard truth is that for many, maintaining entitlement over you is the most important thing to them. Feeling entitled to coerce a loved one goes against healthy expectations for a relationship, yet it happens.     

Acceptance is a process. This process includes gaining understanding of your partner’s behavior and believing your partner is the only one who can alter their behavior.

Facing the Reality of Your Partner’s Behavior

It is important to see and name your partner’s behavior for what it is to regain your power. If you let the good things prevent you from seeing how the negative affects you, your healing will be stymied. That doesn’t mean you erase wonderful memories. But it does mean you grieve. Oh, how you grieve!

 Do not shame yourself for holding on to thinking they will change. It is a healthy relationship skill to focus on the positive and give partners the benefit of the doubt. Coercive control by design confuses you and makes you distrust yourself. Credit yourself for your healthy tendencies. Our society generally has not taught people how to protect themselves from coercive control. In fact, societal messages too often encourage submission and self-blame. For example, stereotyping girls to be “nice” and “pleasing others” doesn’t promote standing up for themselves.   

Acknowledging What You Cannot Change

The next step in regaining your power is acknowledging that you cannot transform your partner. They must be willing to give up power and control. Believe their behavior, not just their promises.

In a healthy relationship, both are willing to be influenced by their partners. If a partner resists your influence, face the fact they will also resist changing. Even if they say they will change, those promises often evaporate when it comes to actually doing the work. If they are not willing to stop domination, they fall back into old behavior.

Use the Serenity Prayer to help you regain your power. Leave out the word “God” or substitute something else if it doesn’t work for you.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

State your position once. When you’ve done that, repetition will not make a difference. Believe what their actions show. Acceptance of their refusal to change hurts when you love the person. You will know when the pain of abusive behavior outweighs the benefits of being in the relationship.

Act to Regain Your Power

Your actions also speak louder than words. They demonstrate what you will and will not accept. Be sure you do not say anything you are not prepared to follow through with. If you threaten divorce but do nothing when abuse continues, you will end up losing credibility.   

To regain your power, take time to plan and think through what you want to do. Writing in a journal helps many people. It also helps to talk it through with trusted people. Surround yourself with those who encourage and support you.

Everyone is different in terms of how safe it is to act.  Some must leave without forewarning the abuser because of safety concerns. Others discuss what they want and state what they will do if there isn’t a change. You know what is safe for you.

If it isn’t safe to take actions or you’re not ready, consider finding resources that help you to prepare. Changing Tit for Tat: How to Maintain Your Power provides more information to regain your power and take back control over your life. Emotional Abuse Healing: See the Red and Yellow Lights elaborates on how to recognize emotional abuse.