Anger as a Super Power

Intimate partner abuse survivors have one or more of the following experiences with their own anger. Actually, all but the first one are common for others as well. This blog will explore each type before talking about anger as a superpower. Many times, our relationship to anger changes as we feel safe and have the space to grow, so these can also be seen as stages in that growth.

We Are Not Safe to Express It

The first relationship to acknowledge is when we have to avoid anger because of safety concerns. This includes any form of disagreement with abusive partners because they often retaliate against even mild forms. The abuse may be emotional or physical.

Abusive partners only know how to have “power over” relationships, not “power with.” They interpret any differences as threatening. My book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek, speaks to this in more detail. The important point for now is they believe in their entitlement to have their way, thus spoiling any efforts to negotiate or compromise.

We avoid upsetting them as a coping strategy to keep ourselves safe. Please understand that when they are abusive despite your best efforts, you are not responsible for what they do. They choose their behavior; you do not cause it, no matter what they say. Even when we are legitimately angry with people, we can choose assertive instead of aggressive responses. In addition, partners who permit themselves to abuse are often not rational or consistent with their expectations, so there is no way to avoid their unhappiness. You are not responsible for their emotions; they are the only ones who can manage them.

It is possible that one or more of the other three experiences of anger are also true for you, but implementing the suggestions under them hinges on safety. You know whether it is safe for you. In the meantime, there are two truths that can alter your relationship with anger.  

• Recognize that your anger is rational and legitimate. Do not feel guilty about it. It’s the normal response to being harmed. If self-doubt interferes with this, ask someone you trust what they think.

• Affirm that choosing not to express anger now is part of your self-care. It is assertive to not do things you deem potentially harmful.

The information that follows may also be useful. In order to implement some o fthem, you may need to make a safety plan that involves protecting yourself or leaving. Pace yourself and take whatever time you need.  

We Are Overwhelmed with Sadness or Fear but Do Not Feel Anger

This relationship to anger means we have so much fear about it, we cut it off from our awareness. We are only aware of feeling emotions such as fear, sadness, disappointment, or frustration. This may begin by being taught to be cooperative and “nice,” which morphs into always giving up our real preferences and feelings. Past experiences may cause us to think it’s bad to feel anger, so we block any sign of it. Sometimes we were told what to feel, creating distrust of our actual emotions.

Those who have possessed less power or been marginalized in society are susceptible to cutting themselves off from their anger in order to be accepted. For instance, females are often called “bitches” when they are angry, but anger in men is viewed as legitimate. Many women smile and sugarcoat what they say to avoid being labeled angry. This may result in being taken less seriously in non-abusive relationships.

African American males are often viewed as threatening, even when not angry. This racist perception in society can affect how they permit themselves to express emotions. The stereotype of the angry black woman often serves to rein them in. All examples of cultural prejudice silence people or cause them to hide their voices from the majority culture.

Changing this relationship to anger begins slowly.

• It first involves identifying that you are angry. You can use other emotions as a clue because anger is a defensive emotion. That means there is one or more vulnerable emotions underlying it, such as sadness or hurt. Since you are familiar with these, you can use them as clues to likely anger.

• Recognize that anger is legitimate when someone hurts you. Work on accepting it in yourself. Anger does not equal aggression, as we’ll see below.

• As I affirmed above, you decide whether it is safe to express your anger. Find others you can talk to if it isn’t safe.

Just allowing yourself to acknowledge the possibility of anger and to feel it is a big step. When that is more comfortable for you, explore whether any of the following is helpful.  

 

We Feel Angry but Are Afraid or Ashamed of It

This relationship to anger permits us to feel it, but we hold ourselves back from expressing it. Sometimes we fear anger will overwhelm us and we’ll never get rid of it. We may also be afraid we will be abusive ourselves. This is often because we experienced it expressed as verbal or physical aggression. That made the emotion seem dangerous.

Feeling ashamed when we feel anger may stem from learning that any form of disagreement or irritation is bad. If we were stopped in expressing assertive anger by reproaches such as, “why are you so hostile?” or “why are you being critical?” we may bury it. This is the less physically dangerous method abusers use to avoid being accountable, but emotionally it squelches us. Our anger does not go away; it simmers in us, sometimes coming out as resentment or physical ailments. We may even turn the anger against ourselves, becoming depressed.

Those who criticize us for being angry are actually saying they are uncomfortable with the emotions they experience when they witness anger. They don’t know how to manage their own emotional reactions assertively. They may have learned the same lessons about anger that we did.

Here are steps to working on this anger issue.

• Begin with separating emotions from behavior. Anger is not good or bad. Anger is an emotion; aggression is a behavior. We can express anger with harmful or constructive behavior.  

• Use journaling about your emotions and thoughts to help in working them out, if this can be kept private. I prefer writing long hand, but typing on a computer is preferable for some. That can be password protected if privacy is an issue.  Some people find it more useful to talk about it with those they trust.

• Have compassion for yourself. There are reasons we develop fear or shame. It is never too late to heal and learn new strategies.

• Remember that anger and other emotions dissipate when we recognize and express them. Of course, this needs to occur with safety in mind, so you may choose not to express it directly. My point is, allowing yourself to be angry does not mean you will remain angry forever.

• Look for resources that help you become learn assertive ways to express anger and become more comfortable with it. Some examples are therapy, assertiveness or support groups, and books. There are some examples of books below.   

We Are So !!**!! Angry, We Feel Overwhelmed

This often happens when we’re in touch with our anger, but it has not been safe to express it. When we do not feel heard, it can become bottled up inside and then explode out of us. This sometimes happens over little things that are totally unrelated to our actual anger. We may lash out in anger when we feel our pain is ignored or minimized and then feel guilty. Unfortunately, this can disempower us, as my blog post “Tit for Tat: When We Want to Retaliate,” shows.  

We may not have had models who showed us how to constructively use our anger. Then our anger may feels overwhelming, because we feel stuck in what to do with it. Use any of the steps above that fit for you and add any of the following.

• When we’re at the top end of the anger scale, it is helpful to take a “time out.” This is not punishment, nor is it the same thing as a child’s time out. It is a break you give yourself to keep your communication constructive. It prevents saying or doing things you later regret. You know, like calling your best friend an idiot and the hurt feelings that come from that. Time out is something you can take alone before you confront someone or decide about what to do.

• Journaling can help take some of the heat out of your anger as well as figure out why you are feeling the way you do. Writing in a journal does not need to happen every day. See it as a tool you take out whenever you need it. It isn’t for everyone, but many people find putting their thoughts and feelings on paper helps them work out what is the best way to handle situations. We may start by venting, getting it off our chest. Then we can progresses to “okay, what is the best way for me to handle this?” Try it and see how it works for you.

• Time out is also something you can do when you are having a disagreement that is escalating in temperature. A relational time out has three steps:
  • Make an “I” statement about what you are feeling. (Ex: I am feeling angry. However, it can be any feeling that is overwhelming.)
  • Tell the person you are going to take a time out. (It is helpful if you explain this ahead of time to those you’re close to so you don’t need to do it in the heat of the moment.)
  • Tell the person where you are going, when you will be back, and that you would be willing to talk about it again when you return, if they are willing to. (Example: I feel angry and need to take a time out. I will take a walk for an hour and when I get back, I’d be willing to talk about it if you are.)This can also be adapted to phone conversations.
  • Three important rules: Take at least thirty minutes for time outs; this allows the adrenaline of anger to reduce in your body. Don’t change what you say you are going to do; come back to the issue when you said you would. Do not use “you” statements (such as you are making me mad), which are blaming and are guaranteed to lead to defensiveness and escalation.

• If it is not wise to express your anger directly to someone, write a letter you don’t send, saying everything you cannot safely say. End the letter by saying goodbye to the person or the issue, whichever is appropriate. Some people find it helpful to release their anger symbolically by burning the letter.

Additional Points

Besides the suggestions already given, do not allow how others label your anger to interfere with voicing it. The same behaviors in women and men are often viewed differently. I have a handout, “Am I a Bitch or a Leader?” in my group curriculum that encourages discussion about this. When receiving negative feedback, it is useful for women to ask themselves if their behavior would be condemned if they were male. Perhaps their assertive behavior does not match the speaker’s ideas of being female. Leaders such as Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren have suffered gender bias as well. Clients often identify beliefs they hold that block being assertive because they were taught it wasn’t feminine.

Male survivors also benefit from asking themselves whether their behavior is aggressive or more about someone’s discomfort with anger or firmness. Since males traditionally have been socialized with more permission to feel and express anger, they also benefit need to be careful that they allow themselves more vulnerable emotions, such as hurt and sadness, rather than expressing it all as anger. If they grew up in families where anger was expressed aggressively, they may also fear they will become abusive.    

Anger as Friend

“This is a vision of anger as fuel and fire, as a powerful inoculation against passivity, as strange but holy milk suckled from the wolf.” Leslie Jamison[i]

This quote captures the essence of how anger can be a superpower to help us claim our voices. The goal is to lose any fear and understand anger as a right. We can responsibly use it as an instrument to fight against oppression, whether that’s in an abusive relationship or a larger movement.  

Anger is our friend when we use it as a tool for owning all our feelings. Anger is a natural reaction to being harmed, treated unjustly, or betrayal of trust. Rejecting anger is equal to denying our pain. Owning it can energize us to take action. Acknowledging all our emotions frees us to move on with our lives.   

Anger is necessary for expressing our personal power. If you’re uncomfortable with the concept of power, notice whether you are confusing it with “power over” aggression you’ve experienced. “Power within” and “power with” are concepts that promote partnership and equality. We grow by getting in touch with our power within. Journaling, therapy, talking to friends—these help us with this. Our anger becomes our superpower as we learn to trust our perceptions and intuitions. It allows us to stand up for ourselves, whether that’s in a relationship or with family, friends, or coworkers.

We feel stronger when we know how to use our anger as a superpower. We also improve in our ability to handle it when others express it. Express anger, not abusive behavior. Remember not to confuse the two.  

The trauma of an abusive relationship often complicates our ability to make progress. Give yourself the gift of working with someone on it if it feels daunting.  

Recommended books:

Here are two books on anger specific to women, but much of it also applies to any gender identity.  

• The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. (New York: Harper & Row, 1985)

This is an old but well-rounded book for women on anger.

• Eloquent Rage: A Black Feminist Discovers Her Superpower by Brittney Cooper. (New York: St. Martins Press, 2018)

This is a newer book giving an African American woman’s perspective.

I would like to recommend a good assertiveness book that includes strategies, but I have not found one. I may eventually publish my assertiveness curriculum. However, there are many books that talk about the beliefs and inhibitions around assertiveness that are also helpful.

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[i] “I Used to Insist I Didn’t Get Angry. Not Anymore. On Female Rage” by Leslie Jamison. New York Times, Jan.17, 2018.