EMOTIONAL ABUSE RECOVERY QUESTION: CAN MY PARTNER CHANGE?

“Can my partner change?” Victims of intimate partner abuse often ask this when they face emotional abuse recovery. The issue isn’t really about whether they can, but whether they choose to.

Many conclude their partners will not change for valid reasons. However, some harm-doers alter their behavior and attitudes.

The critical question is: “Are they committed to changing?” Commitment involves following through with the work that it takes. This depends upon their willingness to give up power over others and learn respectful relationships skills.  

Leaving or staying—there is no decision that fits everyone. Each person should consider their circumstances. Trust what you see regarding your partner’s behavior and follow your intuition. The following information helps clarify your situation.

Harm-Doers’ Confusing Behavior

Often people say they feel crazy or foolish for being with a person who harms them. They are neither.

Issues that increase confusion:

• Partners often do not display coercive control during the wooing process. Then, gradually or suddenly, benign Mr. Hyde changes into a toxic Dr. Jekyll.
• Something that was attractive at first may escalate to an extreme. For instance, we may admire a decisive person until they later insist on making all our choices because they “know” better.  
• Often, we doubt we’re being abused when we’ve experienced emotional but not physical abuse. Emotional abuse historically has been downplayed and we know it is harder to document. However, research indicates that emotional abuse causes as much harm as physical, except with lethal forms.  And it’s also true that physical often doesn’t happen because we know to back down before it does.

Coercive Behavior Mixed with Good Qualities

Harm-doers do not behave exactly alike. Individuals display coercive behavior in a variety of ways, dependent upon their personalities. Because they usually also display good characteristics, this makes it harder to recognize abuse. That also means family and friends may disbelieve that coercion happens, especially if they never witness it.

Examples:  

• Damon is a wonderful parent. He also is jealous of Sammy’s friends and family, and restricts contact with them.
• Sandy and Faye enjoy wonderful family vacations. In day-to-day life, however, Sandy constantly criticizes, devalues, and twists what Faye says and does.   
• Frank apologizes after physical and emotional abuse, and it seems heartfelt. Things are okay for a few days but then tension escalates despite Jan’s efforts to please.
• Parker is empathetic and generous with friends, but when their partner Anne is sick or suffers a loss, she receives no compassion and is expected to take care of everything as usual.  
• Bess discussed household responsibilities with Jason and they reached an agreement. When it comes to fulling his, he denies they agreed, says Bess twisted his words, and accuses her of being abusive.  
• Phoenix is fine with Kai going out with friends while they take care of the kids. However, Phoenix undermines Kai’s parenting and talks to the children about their disagreements.   

These and countless other examples show how difficult it can be to identify and set limits with coercion. It may mean having to give up the pluses. Those good points also seduce many into believing they will change.

Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?[i] identifies many types of controllers. Despite the title, it applies to all genders.

Coercive Beliefs Inhibit Emotional Abuse Recovery

What permits all coercive control behaviors are two beliefs:

• They are entitled to have things the way they want them, without regard to your rights.
• It is okay to exert emotional or physical power and control over you.

Their domination causes physical and emotional harm.

Decide whether these beliefs match the behavior you experience. Their words may say something different, but their actions are a more reliable indicator.

Signs of Change in a Harm-doer

Reliable signs that someone is changing come from their behavior, not their promises. Pay attention to whether their actions and words show whether their belief in their right to dominate continues. Accountability Clues can assist in evaluating whether someone is changing.

Emotional Abuse Recovery Involves Trusting Yourself

Sometimes we want relationships to continue so badly that we have trouble believing what we perceive. Difficulty trusting yourself is not uncommon among those who experience partner abuse. Do not judge yourself for how hard this is; loss of trust in yourself is one of coercive control’s most damaging injuries.      

Abusive partners encourage this distrust with their words and confusing behavior. See the Coercive Control Checklist to help you judge what is happening.

You may learn to deny or minimize what you see, with many types of “yes, buts.” If you notice this, be kind to yourself. Work on building trust in your perceptions and intuition. Joanna V. Hunter’s book But He’ll Change[ii] identifies thoughts and beliefs that promote staying with harm-doers who refuse to change.   

The section “What Can I Change?” in Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek identifies many vulnerabilities that inhibit trusting yourself and living a life free of abuse. Check out this Preview to consider whether you would find it helpful and to find links to the book.

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[i] Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft. (New York: Berkley Books, 2002.)

[ii] But He’ll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship, Joanna V. Hunter. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2010)