EMPOWERING RESPONSES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HOW TO MAKE EMPOWERING RESPONSES WHEN PEOPLE ARE UPSET indicated conflict is inevitable. Time Out and Broken Record are the last two conflict management skills. As with any assertive skill, assess your safety if someone has a history of being abusive. Download the steps and practice exercises now if you’d like to see them as you’re reading.

Time Out

The conflict management skill of Time Out is something you do for yourself, as opposed to the Time Outs you give children as a consequence. It gives you emotional and physical space to contemplate how to respond in two types of situations.

1. You are unclear or confused about what you want to say or do in response to a request or opportunity.
2. You are angry, frustrated, or fearful during a confrontation and concerned about one or both of these:
   1. That the other person will be abusive.  
   1. That your emotional state will cause you to respond in a nonassertive way, either submissive or aggressive.

 While the skill of using Time Out is similar with both these situations, those that contain strong emotions require additional steps, so let’s look at them separately.

Confusion or Lack of Clarity Situations

Everyone has the right to carefully consider decisions. Let’s say a friend asks you to do them a favor, or someone requests you to volunteer for something, or a boss asks if you can take on more responsibility. You may not feel uncertain. If you do, and think you must give a response immediately, you may agree to something that isn’t in your best interests or say “no” to opportunities that benefit you. Taking a Time Out empowers you to think it through before giving a response. It should not be used to avoid giving an answer.   

Possible barriers to Using Empowering Responses

• Feeling obligated—Some of us feel obligated to please others, sometimes because of harmful consequences we suffered in the past. This may result in feeling pressure to give an immediate response, especially when someone expresses urgency. Taking time to respond thoughtfully, instead of reacting quickly, ensures that you won’t feel over-burdened and resentful. It is an act of kindness to yourself, and in truth, to others. Agreeing to things you don’t want to do often leads to not following through, not doing your best, or losing a relationship.
• Experiencing worry about repercussions—With work situations, you may worry that there will be consequences to declining. Occasionally, this may be true in other relationships as well. Telling them you want to consider it is respectful to them and gives you time to think or consult with others before replying.
• Over-committing—You may be so interested in the activity that you want to say yes, but in reality, do not have the time and energy. Taking time before responding allows you to get past your initial interest and think realistically about what is possible. This will also prevent disappointing someone later.

Angry, Frustrated, or Fearful Situations

Those with wholesome relationships refuse to allow conflict to escalate. When emotions rise to the level where one or both are in danger of saying or doing something harmful, they deescalate the tension. This often involves the conflict management skill of taking time to cool down before discussing it again.

However, many resist pausing during a conflict, seeing it as avoidance or a refusal to discuss. When unpleasant emotions escalate, it’s important to take time before responding to prevent saying or doing something harmful. Time Out provides physical and emotional space to calm yourself and decide on what you want to say.   

Used appropriately, Time Out promotes respect and positivity. It functions to:

• Set limits regarding how strong emotions are expressed.  
• Show that you want to handle communication constructively.
• Allow time to consider what you’re feeling and why, as well as cool down if needed.
• Give space to consider what you want to say when you return.

When Time Out is used with someone you are close to, it is especially important for the other person to be aware of the skill and why it’s being used. This reduces misunderstanding about its purpose.

The conflict management skill Time Out has two key values.

• The conflict is not forgotten and allowed to simmer in the background. The initiator makes a clear statement about the intention to talk and sets a definite time.
• The discussion resumes when both parties feel calmer and can talk with openness and a positive attitude. Whoever takes the Time Out is responsible for later bringing up the topic and finding a good time to talk about it.

Possible Barriers to Using Empowering Responses

• Dealing with someone who wants to maintain control—If someone with an abuse history has agreed to work on their behavior, but then argues with your need for a Time Out, you may feel unsafe. In that case, proceed with what makes sense for your situation, whether that is leaving or giving in. Refusing to accept your Time Out may be a sign that they do not want to give up power and control over you.
• Feeling awkward about using the term “Time Out”—Sometimes people feel awkward saying they are taking a Time Out. If the other person is familiar with this skill, the term “Time Out” serves as a cue that the user feels escalated and it would not be helpful to continue until they are calmer. When this skill is used to think over a decision, using the term is not important.
• Seeing Time Out as dismissal—If we experienced people walking away and refusing to talk about our concerns, we may misunderstand when someone takes a Time Out. It never works well to insist they talk now. See their Time Out as evidence the person wants to be caring and respectful and knows they cannot at that moment.  
• Experiencing trauma symptoms—Sometimes people experience panic attacks or dissociation because taking Time Out reminds them of past abandonment or neglect. If this is the case, acknowledge your difficulty with those you’re close to and accentuate the importance of talking later. If you experience panic, be kind to yourself. Keep an outline of Time Out steps and remind yourself of its positive intent.
• Coming back before you’re ready—If you still feel too upset to discuss the issue constructively at the time you designated, text or call the person to say you aren’t ready and set another time. Think about what else you can do or who you can talk to that will enable you to have the discussion. Going back before you’ve calmed carries the danger of escalating quickly again.  
• Avoidance—If avoidance has been a coping strategy, you will be tempted not to bring up the issue again. If you give in to this, you will lose the trust of your partner or friend. Find a self-regulation strategy that helps you manage your fear of talking about it.  

Broken Record

Use the conflict management skill Broken Record when someone is either being persistent or harassing you. Use when other techniques, such as refusal or request, have been tried and the person fails to stop. Repeating a short sentence keeps you from being distracted by their arguments.

This is usually not recommended with anyone who is close to you, such as partners, friends, colleagues, or relatives. It does not leave room for discussion or negotiation, which are important for goodwill and relationship building.

However, it is useful with someone who continues to pressure and does not accept limits. Children sometimes fit this when they don’t like receiving “no.” Coercive adults who refuse to accept decisions are another example. It still should only be used after trying other skills, such as Refusal or Request.

Possible Barriers to Using Empowering Responses

• Feeling awkward—You may feel awkward or rude repeating yourself, especially with an adult. Remind yourself that you’re only using it because the person is disregarding your limits.  
• Wondering how long to do it—Usually people stop of their own accord when they see you’re not going to engage with their pressure. If not, after 2-3 repeats, end the conversation by leaving, saying goodbye on a phone call, or giving a consequence if it’s a child.

Enhance Your Skill

Download Time Out and Broken Record for further information on the steps and opportunities to practice.

Improving the strength of assertive beliefs increases the likelihood of being assertive. Assertive beliefs that support using these skills are:

• I have the right to privacy.
• I have the right to think it through before responding.
• I have the right not to justify myself to others.
• I have the responsibility to take care of myself.   
• I have the right to say no and can grant others that right as well.
• I have the right to respectfully interrupt to protect myself from harassment.   

Work with any that would be helpful to you. See Assertive Beliefs for more information.

Summary of Assertiveness Skills

This blog completes my series on assertive skills. The past seven blogs worked with assertive beliefs and twelve skills. All have exercise handouts to download.

Many find it helpful to have a friend or group they work with to learn together. Go over the skills one at a time, and practice how to respond in real-life situations. Brainstorming possible responses helps you see options, but you have the right to choose what feels best to you.

New skills take time and patience so avoid judging yourself. Keep trying and give yourself credit for successes, even partial ones.