One of the most significant emotional injuries from intimate partner abuse is loss of self-esteem. I see this as both a mental and a spiritual injury. Spiritual means affecting the spirit, who we are as individuals, and what we believe is possible. Many times, survivors say it feels like they lost themselves.

If you’re a survivor or want to help one, you’re interested in how to counteract the effects of abuse. Below are five steps that are integral to change. Consider writing about your feelings, thoughts, and insights while doing these. Increasing self-awareness is integral to the change effort.

Intention

First, and very important: expect this to be work and a process, not a quick fix. So, adjust your expectations to be in line with reasonable, gradual progress. You didn’t develop low self-esteem overnight, so it won’t improve overnight either. Think of it as a journey.

To begin this process, set an intention. Here are a few examples:

• I choose thoughts and actions that are compatible with feeling good about myself.
• I treat myself with love and compassion.
• I live a fulfilling life full of love and connection.

Use one of these or make up your own. Whatever you use, make it present tense and positive–what you want your life to look and feel like.

Manifestation Board  

Make a Manifestation Board that shows what you want in your life. This means making a collage of words, pictures, quotes, drawings, colors—all of which represent things that are congruent with your intention. Ask, “what will my life look like and feel like?”

To the right is an example of one. In the past, I told people to thumb through magazines and cut out whatever they felt drawn to. Now it is possible to collect quotes and pictures on Etsy. If you choose a method such as this, print it so you have it in physical form.

Whatever method you choose, your Manifestation board gives you something you can look at that reminds you of what you are working toward. Envisioning what you want is important in actually accomplishing it. You may have heard that visualization is something athletes often do to improve their performance.

Observe Your Self-talk

Now that you’ve set an intention and envisioned what it looks like, the next step is observing your thoughts. The reason for this is two-fold:

a) to become conscious of any repetitive self-defeating chatter in your head that interferes with your intention, &

b) to increase self-enhancing self-talk.

Click on this handout to help you identify both. For several days, keep a list of the positive and negative things you say about yourself. DO NOT JUDGE the thoughts, just notice them. That’s the hard part, but important to the change process.

This self-talk represents either roadblocks or things you can build on. You have to know your roadblocks before you can make changes.

Example: If a common thought is “I’m so stupid” every time you make a mistake, you’ve identified two important things: you are judgmental of yourself and you have unreasonable expectations of perfection.

Every time you have a judgmental, unreasonable type of thought, you are defeating yourself. Even though low self-esteem may have begun with harsh parents or an abusive partner, you internalized that and now treat yourself that way. As long as you continue to berate yourself, you will block any change efforts.

Remember, this step is about observing. You are gathering data by which to go forward. Maybe you need to do this for the full week or maybe not. You be the judge; just make sure you’ve gathered enough data.

Selecting an Affirmation

The next step is reading this list of affirmations and choosing one to work on. Affirmations are positive thoughts about yourself that are reasonable and true for everyone on the planet. That is if you believe everyone has worth, which I do. Many times, those with poor self-esteem feel that statement is true for everyone BUT them. The good news is that you do not have to believe in the positive statement right away. Just be willing to believe it. Remember what was said above: this is a process; it will not happen overnight.

You may see many affirmations that you want to work on. Choose one to dig deep on, and put the others on a waitlist to work on later. Don’t set up an impossible expectation that you can work on all of them at the same time. You may want to choose one that counteracts one of the most frequent negative thoughts you have about yourself. Or start with an easier one. You decide.

If you do not see one that exactly fits what you want, make up your own. Just remember the guideline: positive and present tense. Whatever we put after “I am” is powerful and self-fulfilling. Set a goal to never put something negative after those words.

Affirmation Exercise

Now you’re ready to really dig in. Write your affirmation on blank paper. Write it slowly and consciously. Notice what your thoughts are after writing it. Turn the page over and write those. If they were negative, that’s okay. You’re identifying your roadblocks.

Now turn the page back and write the affirmation again, slowly and consciously. Notice what comes up now and write that on the back. Repeat this process ten times.

When you’re done, notice what you’re feeling. Remember, this is a process. No one miraculously “turns over a new leaf” with self-esteem. That is not how change occurs.

Notice also what your responses to writing were. Whether there is any kind of pattern or progression. You may see a softening towards the affirmation. Sometimes it takes longer for that to happen. Be patient. Keep reminding yourself, “I am willing to believe.”

Do not get discouraged if you find a lot of negativity at first. Think of it like learning to walk or ride a bike; we fall down a lot before we make progress. If you find that the negative self-talk never improves over time, I encourage finding therapeutic help. Coercive control causes traumatic effects and sometimes we need help in overcoming them.

Final Coaching

We’re all unique beings and deserve to be who we are. Those who coercively control take away our rights and make it seem as if we are defective. That is a lie. Each person has unique gifts to offer. That includes you!

We only know what we know, so no shaming for what you didn’t know before. If you think you have a lot to work on, welcome to the human race. Hopefully, we never stop learning. Only those who are coercive or narcissistic think they’ve got it all together.

Also, stop any comparison with someone else. People with good self-esteem do not compare themselves to others, so adopt that behavior. If you’ve ever been compared, you know how toxic that feels. Don’t do it to yourself. Your measure of success is how far you’ve come along your life’s journey.

Best wishes on your self-recovery!