THE TIME IT TAKES TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
The time it takes to leave an abusive relationship is the time you need, so let go of any shame or embarrassment about it. Leaving is not the simple, black and white process many think it is. In order to overcome barriers such as gas-lighting, danger, lack of resources, isolation, and self-esteem injuries, you have to see your partner’s behavior clearly and then plan carefully. The time it takes to understand, grieve, and make decisions depends upon your situation.
Living in the Question
The time it takes to leave can be a productive time, even though it’s painful. Think of the period between your first awareness that something is wrong and when you decide to leave (or take some other action) as living in the question.
“Living in the question means planting our feet in moving ground, accepting that we’re in a process without a known outcome, that the process is the destination, for now.” Nancy Colier[i]
Living in the question is tough because it means living with uncertainty. No one feels comfortable with that. Yet, there are times in life when you have to accept uncertainty. Accidents, illness, death, and what to do about a partner abusing you are prominent examples.
During the time it takes to leave, you begin to question your partner’s behavior. You didn’t begin your relationship predicting your partner would harm you. You probably brought assumptions and expectations of love, respect, equity, and mutuality to your partnership. In addition, you had dreams and ideas about your future. Becoming aware your partner is willing to abuse you shakes you to the core and takes time to believe.
How to Live in the Question
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What am I doing wrong?” you have a lot of company. You may assume you’re responsible since partners frequently blame you for what they do. Also, some people respond by questioning your behavior instead of your partner’s.
Nothing you do causes someone to abuse you. Partners can always choose a constructive response when they don’t like something. Would you hurt someone because they make a mistake or displease you? Do you think you’re entitled to always have things your way? Abusive partners believe it’s okay for them.
Put the responsibility for abuse where it belongs by following these guidelines.
Ask the Right Questions
Reflection becomes your friend when you ask the right questions. Living in the question involves refocusing from blaming yourself to “Is this abuse?” Believe the answers you perceive. If you’re unsure, check out the Coercive Control Checklist.
Asking the question, “Why does my partner act this way?” begins to change how you view them. For instance, you may see that being “right” and in control means more to your partner than being compassionate and respectful toward you. Or you may recognize they lack compassion and empathy for everyone. Recognizing qualities such as these brings pain, but it is necessary to accept. Not that you like it, but you see it as it is.
Develop Self-compassion
Living in the question also includes developing self-compassion. Many blame themselves for choosing their partners or not recognizing abuse earlier. Whatever your source of self-blame, accept that you didn’t know what you know now. In addition, they may not have shown that side until you were committed to them.
Work toward being as compassionate toward yourself as you would be to a friend. This frees you to focus on what your partner is doing and how to move forward. Self-blame interferes with doing this.
View life as a journey, one that you can learn and profit from. You are not meant to shame yourself forever for what you now label as mistakes.
Recognize Your Growth
Recognize the ways you learn and grow during this time. As you become aware of your partner’s abusive pattern of behavior, you stop holding yourself responsible. You see their abuse as a choice they make. You may also decide you want to change some things about yourself. Not because they caused the abuse; your partner chose their behavior. But because you want to grow. Examples may be:
- Recognizing red flags and your right to set limits
- Improving your self-esteem
- Healing childhood wounds that make you vulnerable to people who “take care of you”
- Learning you have the right to say no
Gaining insights into what you can do to create the life you want to live, one free from abuse, empowers you. You can’t change your partner’s behavior, but you can choose how you respond to it.
If efforts at getting abuse to stop are not successful, this isn’t due to your failure but because your partner chooses power and control instead of growing.
The Resilience Gained During the Time It Takes To Leave
Resilience includes studying your situation and making decisions based on what you perceive. It takes time to weigh big options, especially when leaving. You need to consider your unique situation, including safety risks, build a team of supporters, and plan. When you take the time you need, you are in a much better position.
Give yourself credit for the growth in awareness you’ve achieved and any other changes you decide to make. Find encouragement to acknowledge your strengths and information on promoting resilience in Facing Loss with Resilience.
If you’re ally of someone being victimized, you’ll find suggestions on how to support victims in Allies for Survivors.
[i] Nancy Colier has more to say about living in the question in her article, Living in the Question…When Not Knowing Is the Answer
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