WHEN HOLIDAYS AREN'T MERRY - Madison Mental Health Counselor

The holidays can be an especially difficult time when we’re grieving intimate partner violence (IPV). We mourn that the holiday magic and fun portrayed by the media is not mirrored in our relationships. This time of year can press in upon us and be especially difficult to navigate, much less feel joyful.

Sometimes there is hope that this holiday will be different. We try to make everything perfect, meeting partners’ expectations, voiced or unvoiced. If our hopes are dashed by any type of coercive control, it can plunge us into despair.

If we’re thinking of leaving the relationship, we often want to get through the holidays and put off any decisions we’re contemplating, especially when we have children. That means maintaining our mask—putting on a pretend face with family, friends, or others. I believe those who suffer from intimate abuse are the best ones to know the timing that is right for them. The last thing you need is second guessing from others who are concerned for you.

Here’s some questions for coping with the holidays when you’re feeling anything but cheery. They are set as questions because I don’t want them to feel like something you “should” do. You know what’s possible better than anyone else.

Can you build in some time for yourself while doing holiday shopping? It’s impossible to find any peace and calm when you’re constantly in the chaos of coercive control. Often, we feel afraid to take even fifteen minutes for a coffee or other break. If you do, focus on just breathing and remembering a time you did feel peaceful. This isn’t about denial; it’s about giving your body and spirit a break from the stress.
Can you envision the kind of holiday you’d like to be having? Paint that picture in your mind or on paper with words or drawing. Hold it out as the goal you’re working toward in the future.
Can you make a list of what you’re grateful for? This also isn’t about denial. It may seem silly given what you’re facing, but when we can focus on that we’re grateful for, it also it gives our bodies safe harbor from stress. In addition, it gives us a mindset that helps in moving through whatever difficult circumstances we’re experiencing.
Would you be able to make a crafty gift for those you care about? This is especially nice if you don’t have the resources (or access to them) for buying gifts. Perhaps an ornament or a card made with recycled materials. Or, something you bake or a mix you concoct for baking later. Anything that is creative and allows you to express yourself. The focus on giving “stuff” that costs money can overshadow the true spirit of the holidays.
Can you take a walk in a natural setting like a park or just in a neighborhood, to get some time to yourself? Or, take it with your children? Nature often reconnects us to ourselves.
Can you choose an affirmation that connects you with who you are, not how you’re treated? Examples are: “I am okay just as I am,” I deserve love and respect,” “I am enough.” Make up your own or google others that fit for you if none of these call to you. Remember that the affirmation doesn’t necessarily feel true right now; that’s why you’re doing it. Over time, they affect us positively, just as do negative messages that bring self-esteem down.
Do you have someone who can also give you your affirmation? It’s so important to have others who are supportive to counteract abusive messages.
Have you visited web sites that can be helpful to you while protecting your privacy, such as NCADV (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)? There is online support available, but make sure it can’t be seen by your partner.
Would it be helpful to find a support person and make an appointment for after the holidays (or before)? This could be a therapist, an intimate partner abuse advocate from your local agency, minister, or anyone you can trust will understand and encourage you. Not someone who will judge or pressure you to do something, even if they are well-intentioned.

I hope you found at least one of these useful or else they inspired you to think of something else that can boost your spirits.

Know that you aren’t alone during this or any other time of year. There are those who want to serve you in whatever ways you need. Web links of some are below.

Best wishes for the path ahead.

https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan

Wisconsin Residents: https://www.endabusewi.org/

https://abuseintervention.org/ for Madison Wisconsin residents