HOW TO COPE WHEN YOU FEEL SAD DURING THE HOLIDAYS
It’s difficult to know how to cope when you feel sad about your abusive relationship during the holidays. The holiday magic and fun portrayed by the media is usually far from reality.
Sometimes you hope that this holiday will be different. You try to make everything perfect, meeting your partner’s expectations, voiced or unvoiced. If your best efforts continue to be dashed by coercive control, you may feel despair.
If you want to leave the relationship, but have decided to get through the holidays first, learning how to cope when you feel sad will build your resilience. Maintaining your mask—putting on a pretend happy face with family, friends, or others takes a lot of energy.
Here’s some questions for coping with the holidays when you’re feeling anything but cheery. They are set as questions because I don’t want them to feel like something you “should” do. You know what’s best for you.
Can you build in some time for yourself while doing holiday shopping?
It’s impossible to find any peace and calm when you’re constantly in the chaos of coercive control. Consider whether holiday shopping can be an excuse for respite if you’re doing it without your partner. Taking even fifteen minutes can give your body and mind peace.
When you do find a few moments, focus on your breath, noticing what it feels like in your body. Then, remember a time that you experienced calm or peace in the past. This will give your body and spirit a break from the stress. Our bodies experience these breaks as reality.
Can you envision the kind of holiday you’d like to be having?
Envisioning the kind of holiday you want in the future provides another “how to cope when you feel sad” pathway. Paint that picture in your mind, write about it, or draw it, whatever works best for you. Envisioning what you want is an important part of change. It works for many athletes to envision their performance, and it can work for you as well.
Can you make a list of what you’re grateful for?
This may seem silly given what you’re facing, but gratitude insulates you from stress. It preserves your ability to have a positive mindset, and that is vital to making any type of change.
Look for things to be grateful for every day, whether they are large or small. Appreciating flowers, a stranger’s greeting, a puppy, the roof over your head–nothing is too small to make a difference in your mood. Gratitude builds resilience and hope.
Can you craft a gift for those you care about?
This is especially nice if you don’t have the resources (or access to them) for buying gifts. Perhaps an ornament or a card made with recycled materials. Or, something you bake or a mix you concoct for baking later. Anything that is creative and allows you to express yourself. Creating lifts your mind away from problems and giving feels empowering.
Can you take a walk?
Walk in a natural setting if you can; something about nature reconnects us to ourselves. However, walking in a neighborhood is also good. If you can do it alone, you accomplish two things: exercise and time to yourself.
However, doing it with children or another person, as long as it isn’t your abusive partner, is also beneficial. Research shows that exercise is a great way to de-stress.
Can you choose an affirmation that inspires you?
Examples:
- I am okay just as I am.
- I deserve love and respect.
- I am enough.
If none of these call to you, make up your own or google others that fit for you. Affirmations often do not feel true immediately; that’s why you’re doing them. Over time, they affect you positively, just as do negative messages that bring self-esteem down. Repetition is the key. Affirmations can be done by repeating it to yourself, writing them, and asking someone you trust to say them to you.
Can you read inspirational books, articles, blogs, or social media posts?
We all need a village to thrive. If you’ve been deprived of that, reading can be a substitute. domesticshelters.org or the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence are online resources for both information and articles. There are social media groups for victims of abuse as well. Protect your privacy if you’re accessing these on a computer or phone.
Links to resources are included at the end of this article.
Can you talk to or find a supportive person?
Consider whether you can reconnect to a friend or family member if you’ve become isolated. Choose someone you think will be empathic and respectful.
If you don’t have anyone right now, seek a professional, such as a therapist, advocate from your local abuse agency, or minister. Qualifications are anyone who offers understanding and encouragement with respect for your situation. Who can talk with you about how to cope when you feel sad.
If you meet with someone who judges or pressures you, even if they are well-intentioned, keep looking. There are many who will understand.
Encouragement and Resources
I hope these questions spark something that you find useful. Gaining insight into how to cope when you feel sad will build your resilience for making any changes you want.
You are not alone during this or any other time of year. There are those who want to serve you in whatever ways you need. Web links of some are below, including my book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek.
Best wishes to you in achieving a life filled with love and peace.
https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan
Wisconsin Residents: https://www.endabusewi.org/
Dane County WI residents: https://abuseintervention.org/
