Considering Divorce

Survivors, as well as those who work with them, will find my interview with Attorney Holly Slota from Pines Bach LLP in Madison, Wisconsin, informative. Those who contemplate leaving often feel fear about the unknown legal system, making an already complicated decision more difficult. Abusers often tell their partners information that is inaccurate because they want to manipulate or frighten them.

Every situation is unique, and it is impossible to have a map that applies to every individual. Anyone seeking an attorney should understand they are the employer. Attorney/client relationships should have open communication and be grounded in understanding and mutual respect. 

I will address issues that sometimes occur during divorce in the next blog.

How did you get started with family law?

While in law school at the University of Wisconsin, I took several family law classes and took part in a family law clinical. I found it more interesting and relatable than other legal areas and realized I could make a positive impact by helping people get through this difficult time. Tess Meuer’s in-depth seminar about domestic violence and the law was fascinating and gave me a nuanced understanding about intimate partner abuse that was invaluable when I started practicing.

Walk us through what happens when someone contacts an attorney.

Before talking to a lawyer, the client goes through a short phone intake process with a staff member to make sure there are no conflicts of interest.

Initial Consultation

After that, there is an initial consultation, usually by phone, to get information about the client’s case and to help us both see if we are a good fit. There is no charge if I’m not hired. I ask questions such as:

• Parties’ ages and length of relationship?
• Are there children and how old?
• How have the spouses shared parenting and other household responsibilities?
• What education each spouse has, and have either received education during the marriage?
• Do both spouses work and what are their incomes?
• What assets/debts do they have?
• What issues are likely to be disputed?
• Are there alcohol, drug abuse, or mental illness issues?
• Has there been any physical or emotional abuse and are there immediate safety concerns?

During this consultation, I also summarize the divorce process from start to finish. I give them an overview of the relevant law and describe how I approach cases. I also try to learn their goals and priorities for the divorce, and I explain the importance of doing a cost/benefit analysis of the various courses of action.

We also discuss my fees. If they decide to hire me, I send an engagement agreement and obtain a fee advance. We then schedule an initial conference to talk more deeply about the case.

Initial Conference and Temporary Order

We strategize next steps during the initial conference. We first see if we can informally negotiate a temporary order that sets the rules everyone will follow while the case is pending. If so, we draft a stipulation (agreement) that everyone signs and we submit it to the court for approval.

If we cannot agree, we go to court to have a contested hearing in front of a commissioner. These typically are around 40-60 minutes long, at the end of which the commissioner decides what the terms will be.

Sometimes formal testimony and evidence are presented at the hearing. Alternatively, the hearing may include “offers of proof,” meaning that the attorneys state what the evidence would show if there were testimony given. Each party is entitled to ask for “de novo review,” which is a do-over in front of the judge at a later date.

Discovery Phase

After the temporary order, the information gathering or discovery phase begins in order to resolve the case. When there are disputes about children, a referral to mediation at Family Court Services (FCS) also occurs. When there is intimate partner abuse, mediation can be waived. If it is, or if mediation occurs but no agreement is reached, a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is appointed to represent the children’s best interests, and a referral is made for a custody study with FCS. FCS has 90 days to conduct their investigation (or 120 days if domestic violence is present). The investigation process can be invasive, since they ask both parties for releases to otherwise confidential records, such as therapists, doctors, employers, and other professionals.

The GAL will also investigate, often in tandem with FCS. At the conclusion of their investigations, the GAL and FCS both make recommendations to the court about what the custody and placement orders should be. The FCS recommendations are submitted via a written report. 

With domestic violence history cases, I ask the FCS professional conducting the study to meet with the parties separately. Occasionally, they say they want the parties to meet together to see the dynamics between them. This is very hard on most victims. Females may also feel intimidated by male counselors and GALs, so I advocate for them.

Financial documents and information are also gathered, and we attempt to negotiate a final agreement on all issues. If an agreement can’t be reached, a trial is scheduled. This comprises both parties testifying and being cross-examined along with any witnesses that are called.

Mediation/Arbitration Alternative

Alternatives to a trial are mediation and mediation/arbitration. With mediation, the parties attempt to resolve their disagreements with the help of their lawyers and a neutral mediator.  With a pure mediation model, if the parties cannot resolve their differences, mediation ends and typically the next step will be a trial in front of the judge assigned to the case.

With a mediation/arbitration model, the parties and their lawyers still attempt to resolve their differences through mediation, but both parties have to agree to resolve cases through arbitration. If an impasse is reached, the mediator/arbitrator exercises their authority to make the final decision, just as a judge would otherwise do.

I see mediation/arbitration as more humane, especially for victims. It usually occurs in separate rooms with the mediator/arbitrator going back and forth. Clients rarely testify and are not cross-examined by the opposing counsel, and the lawyers make the arguments. This makes the process less intimidating for the client. There is also a different level of preparation required than with a court trial, so the price often turns out to be less or about the same as a trial, and it is often a better experience for victims. This route gives up the right to appeal; however, appeals are hard to win and are expensive.

By law, divorces take a minimum of 120 days, but most take six months to a year when there is a lot at issue, particularly if custody or placement is disputed.

My Tips for Survivors

I’m grateful to Holly Slota for her information. It is not unusual to feel overwhelmed reading it. Doing anything like this feels daunting. On top of normal anxiety, survivors have the chaos of ongoing abuse.

So, I want to end this blog with a reminder to use all your tools for managing stress.

• Confide in supportive family, friends, and therapists. Remind yourself how you feel helping others if you think you shouldn’t bother those who care about you.
• Do things that feed your soul. During stressful times, we often let go of this when we need it most. Do not let fun drop out of your life.  
• Exercise. Adjust the time or activity if you need to, but do not stop.
• Take it one step at a time. Focusing only on the outcome or how much there is to do always feels overwhelming.
• Simplify life as much as possible. Allow yourself to let go of anything that isn’t necessary. Perfectionism isn’t your friend.  
• Use a gratitude practice. There are always things we can find to be grateful for. Giving them attention reminds us of what’s important.

 When divorce is chosen, often people doubt whether it’s the right path when the going gets tough. Trust your initial decision.

You deserve to live a life free of coercion.